Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

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TaylorKnows

Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by TaylorKnows »

So guys have never really been attracted to me. I can see why, I'm not super beautiful (I am not saying this for a bunch of "Aww yes you are"s or "Looks don't matter", I honestly know that girls out there are 10x more beautiful than I am and are a lot nicer, so I get it) and I can be heard to read. This guy and I at work have been flirting off/on since we started nearly 2 months ago. I backed out of a date we were supposed to go on citing family emergency when in reality I was just scared. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to end up like my grandma and mom (who both got into relationships they ended up "stuck in" aka, they just never have the backbone to leave even though they're unhappy). Tonight at work, we arranged for him to come to my house tomorrow to hang out when I'm alone and I already have typed up the text with the excuse I have to study to send tomorrow. I really like this guy when I'm around him and then I get home and I chicken out.

At the same time, I do have a crush on this girl, who's become a close friend. (I am bi) She's got a boyfriend though and is straight...so I know our odds are next to none. I knew the guy first and I don't think I'm pushing the guy away because of my friend. I just...I don't know. A part of me thinks maybe I'm just not ready for dating...I've never been kissed, never had sex and a part of me wants to get all of it out of the way but I'm also really scared. I just don't want to get hurt and I don't want to end up like my mom and grandma. This guy probably wouldn't be "the one" but I do feel like I'm letting myself sabotage my happiness? I've been pushing away my 2 best friends from high school along with other friends I had from there and I feel like I'm building a wall with my new friends. The only two I really open up to are the one I'm crushing on and a girl I consider my sister, even them I haven't been able to admit I'm not letting myself be happy. I think it's because I spent so long being unhappy, I don't know how to be happy.

I sound like a mess. Rant over.
truffles92
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Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by truffles92 »

I know exactly how you feel, because I felt very similarly for a long time. But, you just have to remember that you are the only one who has any control over your happiness. It's your choice if you want to be happy. You can't live your life worrying about what it's, and comparing yourself to other peoples situations.

It sounds to me like you're not secure in yourself and probably not ready to date. There is no harm in that. Don't try to "get all that stuff out of the way". When the right person comes along, and the right moment, you will know. Trust me, I didn't have sex until I was 20. And I'm so happy I waited for him, because it was an amazing experience and one that I'll never regret. It sounds cliche but you will know.

Work on yourself, and find your own happiness, and THEN start dating :)
Truffles92: Portraying my own context since 2012
MamaJoAnna
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Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by MamaJoAnna »

The part about you chickening out sounds SOOOO much like me when I met my hubby. We hung out for a couple of days and he was expressing interest in dating, but I was nervous and scared and had had a lot of guys say that before and then "poof" (basically just disappear/not talk to me anymore for some reason) and they were gone. I thought my hubby was going to be the same way, and here we are today exactly two years to the day we met, and we're married and in love and happy. I had expressed to him before that I was nervous, I hadn't been in a relationship in about 2.5 years and I didn't want "us" (if there would be an "us") to not work out. But honey that's the risk you take by potentially giving your feelings and heart to someone. If you don't feel comfortable then go with it and move on, but don't give up on a potential thing before it has a chance to blossom if you want it to, know what I mean? And as far as the girl...if she has a boyfriend and is happy, then you deserve a chance to be happy too, and you won't be by having feelings that won't be reciprocated.
RIP Dad - 09/30/2017 :angel:
TaylorKnows

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by TaylorKnows »

Thanks guys. I think I am going to take a break from all of this dating stuff. I tried to force myself into it and I'm just not ready. But knowing that other people have felt this way, definitely helps. <3 I have a lot of work to do.
thegooseiscooked

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by thegooseiscooked »

Yep, I agree. If it doesn't feel right yet, no biggie. There's no rush.

I'd be honest with him though. Tell him you don't want to rush into things and just want to be friends for a while, maybe go out in a group rather than one on one.

Otherwise, he's just going to think you're pushing him away and you'll lose the friendship as well.

Of course, I don't know how this is all going to work being bi. I mean, eventually you're going to have to pick a team and stick with it, right?
whatsername_

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by whatsername_ »

thegooseiscooked wrote:
Of course, I don't know how this is all going to work being bi. I mean, eventually you're going to have to pick a team and stick with it, right?

I do have to say something here. Bisexuality isn't a black/white area.
I'm pansexual, which means I have no preference. I recently came out as bisexual, but it didn't feel right.
I honestly don't care about parts. If I like you, I like you.
I am attracted to males and females, more so males because that's all I've been with.
And before anyone says "if you haven't been with girls how do you know you like them omg" I just do.

I don't think it's fair to say that bisexual people have to pick a team, because I may be marrying a man, but I will always be attracted to women, too.
Does that make sense or am I rambling?
thegooseiscooked

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by thegooseiscooked »

Yes, but unless you're into cheating, once you get married to a man, you will no longer be able to sleep with women. I meant pick a team in that sense, not that you can switch off attractions but that you will not be able to act on them.

Nothing wrong with feeling attracted to someone, man or woman, but married is married and it means you promise to never sleep with anyone else again, no matter what sex.

So let me rephrase my original statement to if you want to get married, you have to pick a team.
thegooseiscooked

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by thegooseiscooked »

Or not even married. Dating, long term relationship...any commitment you make means that you are picking a team. Unless, as I said before, you are planning on cheating.

Doesn't mean you can't change teams if it doesn't work out.

I'm kind of fumbling here, it's not an area that I have a lot (any) experience with so I hope you get what I mean. It's not black and white but neither is heterosexuality.

Cheating is black and white.
TaylorKnows

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by TaylorKnows »

Eventually I will just land with whoever is right. If I feel the one is a man, okay. But if it doesn't work out, I'm not just going to date men. Same goes for women. I'd never cheat, but I am attracted to both sexes (as seen above). I guess it's hard to understand for some people.

On another note...found out today friend is bi. We were talking with a bunch of people about sexuality and when I said I was bi, she said she was too. Of course this doesn't mean we'll ever be together but I feel good to not fall for another straight girl.
whatsername_

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by whatsername_ »

thegooseiscooked wrote:Or not even married. Dating, long term relationship...any commitment you make means that you are picking a team. Unless, as I said before, you are planning on cheating.

Doesn't mean you can't change teams if it doesn't work out.

I'm kind of fumbling here, it's not an area that I have a lot (any) experience with so I hope you get what I mean. It's not black and white but neither is heterosexuality.

Cheating is black and white.
That does make sense.
And it definitely depends on the couple. Some guys don't mind if their girlfriend/wife has relations with other women because they don't view it as cheating.
That's a personal preference and not something I can necessarily judge anyone on.
But yes, you're right. Eventually they have to "pick a team" in the sense of commitment but the attraction to both sexes will always be present.

I'm definitely more pansexual over bisexual.
Gender doesn't really play a role for me. If I like you, I like you.
I like the heart, not the parts.
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Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by fossilfinger »

I think you should start with less intimate dates, like going out to coffee with someone, so you don't feel the pressure of letting someone into the personal, intimate space of your home. You could also set the date for two hours before the coffee shop closes so you both have to leave at that time and one person isn't hanging around too long, making the other feel uncomfortable. Then if you still want to hang out, you could go to someone's house afterwards. Starting a date in public takes a lot of pressure off of you.
Madhatter42
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Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by Madhatter42 »

TaylorKnows wrote:So guys have never really been attracted to me. I can see why, I'm not super beautiful (I am not saying this for a bunch of "Aww yes you are"s or "Looks don't matter", I honestly know that girls out there are 10x more beautiful than I am and are a lot nicer, so I get it) and I can be heard to read. This guy and I at work have been flirting off/on since we started nearly 2 months ago. I backed out of a date we were supposed to go on citing family emergency when in reality I was just scared. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to end up like my grandma and mom (who both got into relationships they ended up "stuck in" aka, they just never have the backbone to leave even though they're unhappy). Tonight at work, we arranged for him to come to my house tomorrow to hang out when I'm alone and I already have typed up the text with the excuse I have to study to send tomorrow. I really like this guy when I'm around him and then I get home and I chicken out.

At the same time, I do have a crush on this girl, who's become a close friend. (I am bi) She's got a boyfriend though and is straight...so I know our odds are next to none. I knew the guy first and I don't think I'm pushing the guy away because of my friend. I just...I don't know. A part of me thinks maybe I'm just not ready for dating...I've never been kissed, never had sex and a part of me wants to get all of it out of the way but I'm also really scared. I just don't want to get hurt and I don't want to end up like my mom and grandma. This guy probably wouldn't be "the one" but I do feel like I'm letting myself sabotage my happiness? I've been pushing away my 2 best friends from high school along with other friends I had from there and I feel like I'm building a wall with my new friends. The only two I really open up to are the one I'm crushing on and a girl I consider my sister, even them I haven't been able to admit I'm not letting myself be happy. I think it's because I spent so long being unhappy, I don't know how to be happy.

I sound like a mess. Rant over.
I know just getting everything over with seems like the easiest way but it's so not worth it. I got in that mind set of just wanted to get it over with so it wasn't such a big deal and I greatly regret it. But that's just my personal experience. Also about canceling plans with that guy, when I was dating my ex I would cancel a lot and I never really wanted to go hang out with him a ton even though I liked him a lot but once I met my current boyfriend the minute we started talking all I wanted to do was spend time with him and be around him as much as possible. So maybe it just takes finding the right guy/girl. But again that's just me personally! I hope the situation works out well though!
TaylorKnows

Re: Why am I sabotaging my happiness?

Unread post by TaylorKnows »

Madhatter42 wrote:
TaylorKnows wrote:So guys have never really been attracted to me. I can see why, I'm not super beautiful (I am not saying this for a bunch of "Aww yes you are"s or "Looks don't matter", I honestly know that girls out there are 10x more beautiful than I am and are a lot nicer, so I get it) and I can be heard to read. This guy and I at work have been flirting off/on since we started nearly 2 months ago. I backed out of a date we were supposed to go on citing family emergency when in reality I was just scared. I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to end up like my grandma and mom (who both got into relationships they ended up "stuck in" aka, they just never have the backbone to leave even though they're unhappy). Tonight at work, we arranged for him to come to my house tomorrow to hang out when I'm alone and I already have typed up the text with the excuse I have to study to send tomorrow. I really like this guy when I'm around him and then I get home and I chicken out.

At the same time, I do have a crush on this girl, who's become a close friend. (I am bi) She's got a boyfriend though and is straight...so I know our odds are next to none. I knew the guy first and I don't think I'm pushing the guy away because of my friend. I just...I don't know. A part of me thinks maybe I'm just not ready for dating...I've never been kissed, never had sex and a part of me wants to get all of it out of the way but I'm also really scared. I just don't want to get hurt and I don't want to end up like my mom and grandma. This guy probably wouldn't be "the one" but I do feel like I'm letting myself sabotage my happiness? I've been pushing away my 2 best friends from high school along with other friends I had from there and I feel like I'm building a wall with my new friends. The only two I really open up to are the one I'm crushing on and a girl I consider my sister, even them I haven't been able to admit I'm not letting myself be happy. I think it's because I spent so long being unhappy, I don't know how to be happy.

I sound like a mess. Rant over.
I know just getting everything over with seems like the easiest way but it's so not worth it. I got in that mind set of just wanted to get it over with so it wasn't such a big deal and I greatly regret it. But that's just my personal experience. Also about canceling plans with that guy, when I was dating my ex I would cancel a lot and I never really wanted to go hang out with him a ton even though I liked him a lot but once I met my current boyfriend the minute we started talking all I wanted to do was spend time with him and be around him as much as possible. So maybe it just takes finding the right guy/girl. But again that's just me personally! I hope the situation works out well though!
Thank you. So many keep telling me not to rush, I'll feel it when it's right. I just sure hope so.
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