I hate my partner's daughter

Post Reply
HeavenOnlyKnows

I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

I know "hate" is a strong word but that is genuinely how I feel about this girl.

Back story: I am 29f, my partner is 35m, and his daughter just turned 17. I have no biological children and I do not want biological children, though I very much want to foster and/or adopt in a decade or two. I have love in my heart for kids who need it, but I just can't find love for this girl. She is horrible. She is constantly posting pictures online of her drinking alcohol and doing drugs. She is white and she is CONSTANTLY using the N word- I tell my partner how offensive this is to me but he dismisses anything and everything she does and says I'm just a "hater" (really mature, right?). Last year I showed him screen shots she posted online of herself hitting a bong I and warned him that if he doesn't get his kid in check she will have very serious consequences. Sure enough, she was arrested in December and she's facing FIVE charges, including assault and theft. My partner has spent time in prison before (burglary, theft, and drug trafficking) and the girl's mother has spent time in prison as well (manufacturing and distributing meth). I've never even gotten a speeding ticket nor have I ever tried drugs in my life so I guess you could say I am a "goody two shoes" who doesn't understand, but I know the statistics and I know this girl is pretty much set up to fail unless there is some radical change in her life. But like, no one is intervening? I'm like 80% sure she's already engaging in illegal activities- she's posting pictures on facebook of herself with piles of money even though she is only 17 and doesn't have a job. Like parent like child?

So my partner lives in Ohio (we're long distance at the moment) and his daughter lives with her mother in Florida. He and the mom had a 3 month fling (not even a relationship) when he was 18 and he was too stupid to wear a condom. I have nothing against the girl's mother. I have never spoken with her but looking at her social media, she seems like a nice lady who made some pretty bad mistakes in her life but is trying to get her life back together for the sake of her kids. I dare say I like her. Seriously, I wish her the best. My ONLY issue is with the daughter, she's old enough to know that she's acting like a disrespectful little shit and she's also a criminal, and I don't think I can tolerate her in my life. My relationship is seriously rocky right now because my partner is trying to be a Disney Dad and will defend everything his precious little girl says and does even when she is in the wrong. I don't usually date men with children precisely because I don't want to be a step-mother; I don't want the responsibility of having to keep a minor child in check without any of the rights or benefits that come with motherhood. He said it would be different because she is almost an adult and she doesn't live with him and she has her own life to live, but all he does is make excuses for her and I am tired of it. When we first started dating I made it very clear that I want nothing to do with her. I will never, EVER try to dissuade him from having a relationship with his kid, I just want him to keep their relationship completely separate from his relationship with me. He agreed. I told him, if we are going to be together he needs to keep her away from my money and my house. He agreed. So like, if he calls me up one day and says he's flying down to Florida for a couple of weeks to see his kid, I have NO problem with that. None. But, if he calls me up asking for money for a plane ticket to go see his kid, THAT I would have a problem with. I don't think I am being unreasonable. Maybe I am. Either way, he agreed to my terms but now it's like... I don't even know.

Did I mention that she doesn't give two shits about him and doesn't even acknowledge him? Okay so when the mother got knocked up there was a possibility it was another guy's baby. She told my partner (who was in prison at the time) that it was the other guy's. Sure enough, like 5 years later when the mom got locked up over meth the courts did a DNA test to determine who the father is/who should get custody of the kid and it came out 99.9% that this girl is my partner's kid. So he missed out on the first part of her life, and then he was in prison so he couldn't be there for her even after he knew. Well the mom got out before he did, she got back with her boyfriend, and that man raised the girl like his own. I mean she called him "Dad" and everything because from the time she was an infant, my partner was absent but her step-dad was always there for her. Well the step-dad died in 2013, he was riding his motorcycle and was hit by a truck. So the girl is always posting how she misses her Daddy, RIP dad, her dad was her world, etc. It kid of breaks my heart for my partner's sake because she DOES have a dad, but in her mind he's worthless. Step-dad was the only father she ever had, but now my partner expects to swoop in and save the day and it is exhausting trying to explain to him that the world doesn't work that way. He'll bend over backwards for her, meanwhile she doesn't care if he lives or dies. And really, I can fault the girl for a lot of things but I don't fault her for that. It's just frustrating to see how much my partner cares for someone who doesn't care for him, and it's frustrating that he will put our relationship on the back burner and say I'm "just a hater" because his perfect little princess acts like a piece of shit and I actually call her out on it instead of making excuses like everyone else in her life.

I'm sorry, I just REALLY needed to vent. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation- have you ever made someone the most important person in your life even when you know you will never be the most important person in theirs? Is it possible to be with a man whose kid you can't stand?
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

Kryptonite wrote:Unfortunately this sounds like a lot of my friends - well if you can call them friends. You have every right to rant and be upset. That behavior is totally inappropriate and inexcusable.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and that I can't help you... but I will tell you that eventually most of the people like her get a reality check and it's pretty effective. I am totally empathetic.

Good luck!
Thank you darling. I thought her getting arrested in December would be her reality check, but she's being tried as a minor so she's just looking at parole which is a slap on the wrist so she doesn't care. My partner makes excuses for her behavior (out of his own guilt, I think) so her getting arrested is everyone else's fault but hers so he doesn't care. I am the bad guy for suggesting that she needs counseling or some other type of intervention. I really don't think I can maintain a relationship with someone who will make such blind excuses for his kid. I get loving your child unconditionally, but I don't understand enabling them. Well, little miss princess gets what she wants, again- she doesn't want a step-mommy, and it looks like I have no choice but to walk away from this mess.
gypsophila
Guru Gossiper
Guru Gossiper
Posts: 3347
Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 10:29 am
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by gypsophila »

Honestly, you sound like a sane, normal worthwhile person. What are you doing with this guy? I'm just being flat out realistic here. It's a long distance relationship. That's never a true measure of what it's like to actually live with/be married to someone. He has all this baggage and drama. I'm 100% sure you could do better, if you want to be drama-free in your life and have a partner with the same aspirations as you.

With him, you will not qualify to foster or adopt children. His criminal record is permanent. He might have difficulty getting/keeping jobs, and obviously he can't handle parenting very well either.

Think about your future please. You deserve way better than this. You'd be taking on all his baggage and drama for what? Sorry, just my absolute honest opinion. He doesn't sound like happily ever after to me.
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”- Buddha
HelloHolaHallo

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HelloHolaHallo »

Wow I'm really sorry you are going through that. I think that maybe she is acting out as a way to get over/hide her feelings of missing her dad. I do agree with you that counseling will maybe help her...it sounds like she's mourning in a very unhealthy way. She will be 18 soon the consequences are life changing would she get caught doing something. I understand your partner as he might feel like he's walking on eggshells because he doesn't want to upset her but it's still not okay to enable her.
ladybug
Guru Gossiper
Guru Gossiper
Posts: 2857
Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2012 3:01 pm
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by ladybug »

RUNNNNNN! Lol, that's what I would do. She isn't going to change and you are setting yourself up for years of bullshit you don't need to deal with. You have nothing tying you to this man, I would look for someone without baggage like that.
HelloHolaHallo

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HelloHolaHallo »

I was thinking it, gypso & ladybug said it....
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

gypsophila wrote:Honestly, you sound like a sane, normal worthwhile person. What are you doing with this guy? I'm just being flat out realistic here. It's a long distance relationship. That's never a true measure of what it's like to actually live with/be married to someone. He has all this baggage and drama. I'm 100% sure you could do better, if you want to be drama-free in your life and have a partner with the same aspirations as you.

With him, you will not qualify to foster or adopt children. His criminal record is permanent. He might have difficulty getting/keeping jobs, and obviously he can't handle parenting very well either.

Think about your future please. You deserve way better than this. You'd be taking on all his baggage and drama for what? Sorry, just my absolute honest opinion. He doesn't sound like happily ever after to me.
Thank you so much gypso, and everyone else who commented. What am I doing with this guy? I have no idea. My previous relationship was VERY abusive, and I was nearly murdered. After that I gave up on love and convinced myself that I'd be single forever, but then a few years later this guy came along and he made me believe I could actually trust someone again. I think I have only stayed around for so long because I feel like I owe him for getting me out of my protective little shell.

The issue of kids is a HUGE issue for me. Being a foster mom is something that is so dear to my heart. I have called the state agencies inquiring about fostering with a criminal record. I was told that someone can be eligible to foster with a felony as long as the charge is from over ten years ago. His last felony conviction was 15 years ago, so I thought I would still be able to go through the application process with him in my life, especially because his charges were all non-violent. But he doesn't want foster/adoptive kids. He wants his own seed, he wants to get to be a dad the way he didn't get to parent his daughter. He even got my mother trying to convince me to have bio kids with him because it would be "different." Realistically, if I had to choose between foster kids I have never even met or him, I'd choose the kids every time. Every time. I have no problem being a single foster mom. I didn't think I'd have to choose between the two but if I do, there's my answer.

I have no idea why I am taking on his baggage/drama. Yes I do think part of it is that he's the first man I've loved since I went through severe trauma, I think maybe I think I owe him. I think I believe what he said, that his daughter is grown now and she doesn't need him, and he is ready to start a life for himself and he isn't needed to play the role of father. I think deep down I know better. Maybe it just helps to have other people confirm that I'm not a monster for wanting to walk away from such a trashy situation.
gypsophila
Guru Gossiper
Guru Gossiper
Posts: 3347
Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 10:29 am
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by gypsophila »

Sweetheart, bless you for thinking twice about this guy. My daughter is currently working for the foster system and although they may "consider" your application if this guy was in your life, it wouldn't be likely to be taken seriously. She works with all ages, although 12-21 is her specialty. She sees the challenges that these kids all come with. I don't see any way in which your bf would make a suitable partner if you seriously want to do fostering. It's actually very hard on the relationship, as these kids don't come from orphanages, they come from drug addicts, offenders of all kinds, abusers, etc. I don't doubt YOU are strong enough to handle that, but based on what you've said about how he can't even handle his own daughter, no, he wouldn't be able to handle it himself.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through in your past, and I'm definitely not sugar coating anything for you. You are your own best advocate, and you have to work through all your issues, not anyone else. I applaud your wanting to help better the lives of kids who fall between the cracks and are difficult to handle. Do yourself a favour and ditch this guy though. He's part of the problem, not part of the solution. And I wish you all the luck and caring vibes on being able to get over your own hurdles that you have. Be strong. :love2:
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”- Buddha
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

gypsophila wrote:It's actually very hard on the relationship, as these kids don't come from orphanages, they come from drug addicts, offenders of all kinds, abusers, etc. I don't doubt YOU are strong enough to handle that, but based on what you've said about how he can't even handle his own daughter, no, he wouldn't be able to handle it himself.
Thank you for that. I've been trying to prepare myself for dealing with kids from rough backgrounds, and I actually look forward to the state mandated training. I think it will give me a lot of insight and the proper tools to help them deal with whatever issues they may be having. Sometimes I feel like a really shitty person- if I am willing to take a strange kid into my home and love them, why can't I extend the same grace to my partner's daughter? I think maybe it's because she'll always hate me because I am nothing more than the evil step-mother, because I'll have to always be the bad guy and tell her no, she can't stay out past curfew, no she can't drink alcohol because she is only 17, no there will be punishments if she is caught doing drugs while she is down here visiting. I only ever get to say "no" to her, I don't get any of the rewards that come with parenting, that is not my right as her father's girlfriend. I tell myself, with a foster child it will be different; I will be responsible for the discipline but I will also be the one to read bedtime stories, the one to do arts and crafts with, the one who takes them to museums on the weekends and other "fun" stuff and they won't see me as all bad all the time the way his daughter does. But I don't know. This whole situation is making me doubt not only my relationship, but my capabilities as a person.
gypsophila
Guru Gossiper
Guru Gossiper
Posts: 3347
Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 10:29 am
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by gypsophila »

To be honest again, those kids are going to be just as challenging. ;) It's going to be frustrating and stressful and they might even tell you that they hate you. Or they may have disabilities and anger management problems. Even the younger ones are challenging, because their parents are usually still in the picture in some way, usually a bad way or simply a way that the child can't understand. It takes a while to bond, and it's gut-wrenching when they have to go back to their parent(s) or whatever is the case. I'm glad you're going for training. Are you sure you don't want to get into it as a career? We're in Canada, so I suppose some things are different. My daughter works specifically with kids with mental health issues, usually teens. But there are other specialties too.

Edit: No, don't doubt yourself. You admit your issues and the problems. You can get a grip on it, you just need some help emotionally first. How or where you get that is your business, but you have to try for yourself. And ditch that man. He's dragging you down!
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”- Buddha
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

Here in Arizona, everyone who's interested in fostering has to go through state mandated training and have periodic home checks. I wish people who have biological children would have to go through it too, I see far too many sad situations :/

Oh no, I could never work with abused/abandoned children as a career, I am way too sensitive and I take things to heart too easily, I think I would be too depressed to function if I had to deal with child abuse cases day in and day out. I almost became a nurse, then doing my clinicals I had to treat a man with a stage 4 decubitus ulcer that he got from neglect and I broke down crying in his room wondering how anyone could do that to another person. From that point on I knew I'm just not strong enough to work in a career that exposes you to constant human suffering. I have a lot of faults and I will admit to most of them, but one thing for sure is I care too much. I think I care too much about kids to see them hurting all the time.

I actually really want to foster (/adopt?) an older child, so many people just want newborns and the older kids get neglected. I would also be open to taking in special needs kids, I used to work for a non-profit that provided services to mentally retarded and developmentally disabled adults so I am already familiar with common behavioral challenges and have been through the training to handle those challenges. I want the kids that no one else wants. So of course I wonder, why can't I just accept this guy's daughter?
Cranberry
Talker
Talker
Posts: 155
Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:55 pm
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by Cranberry »

Do you hate this girl, or just the choices she makes? Maybe it's because you were raised differently, but do you believe she is a bad kid because she's involved with drugs and alcohol? It sounds like she may have other undesirable qualities, but you I don't think it's fair to hate a child based on her "partying" lifestyle, maybe even the illegal activity, because its only destructive to herself. She's been through a lot and it acting out. Totally agree that your partner is choosing to be a friend and not a parent. I hope this girl sobers up like her mom did—this could very well just be teenage antics (if a bit extreme).

I think you may need to reconsider your relationship. Parent-child relationships are complicated, it's never going to be fully mutual. You might want to reconsider fostering kids with "rough" pasts too—a lot of foster parents expect their new foster kids to be polite and eternally grateful for a home, but many of these kids have had painful lives are and are going to be MUCH harder to love than this girl. I don't mean any disrespect towards you, I just think you should think carefully before committing to something. It's not fair to you, your partner, or his daughter if you continue this relationship while hating her. What if she continues to live at home? Tell your partner that he needs to focus on his child right now.
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

Cranberry wrote:Do you hate this girl, or just the choices she makes? Maybe it's because you were raised differently, but do you believe she is a bad kid because she's involved with drugs and alcohol? It sounds like she may have other undesirable qualities, but you I don't think it's fair to hate a child based on her "partying" lifestyle, maybe even the illegal activity, because its only destructive to herself. She's been through a lot and it acting out. Totally agree that your partner is choosing to be a friend and not a parent. I hope this girl sobers up like her mom did—this could very well just be teenage antics (if a bit extreme).

I think you may need to reconsider your relationship. Parent-child relationships are complicated, it's never going to be fully mutual. You might want to reconsider fostering kids with "rough" pasts too—a lot of foster parents expect their new foster kids to be polite and eternally grateful for a home, but many of these kids have had painful lives are and are going to be MUCH harder to love than this girl. I don't mean any disrespect towards you, I just think you should think carefully before committing to something. It's not fair to you, your partner, or his daughter if you continue this relationship while hating her. What if she continues to live at home? Tell your partner that he needs to focus on his child right now.
You know what? Thank you for this. You really got me to think about this situation, and while I do not have all the answers, I truly thank you for asking some questions that I never even thought to consider. Seriously, thank you. I WANT constructive criticism, and when it comes from a caring place (like I believe your post did, as well as the posts before yours) I am truly grateful. I do not have all the answers. That's why I posted on here in the first place :)

I'm starting to realize, I don't hate this girl. There are two things about her that really hurt my feelings: 1. her blatant racism, which I do think is fixable if given the proper knowledge, and 2. her disdain for her father. I love her dad, and it pains me to see her write him off when he wants to be there, but as a kid from a broken home I also understand why she's not so quick to accept him, and I can't fault her for that.

You are right, I was raised totally differently. My mom made sure I had respect and love in my heart - EVEN WHEN adults in my life hurt me, I was the goody two shoes who heard no evil, spoke no evil. I was also a kid who was abused by adults because I never tattled. I cannot blame his daughter for living a more honest life and not tolerating fake adults- she is a strong willed kid (it's hard for me to remember she's a kid). Her words can be cruel. Maybe they don't come from a bad place. I know she's been hurt. I feel so disappointed for my partner. I ask him, how can you love someone who doesn't love you? I love you more than she does, why can't you put me as a priority in your life? That is just the way it is. It's not her fault.

I do still think she is horrible. Good little girls don't get arrested on 5 felony charges. They just don't. I am starting to realize this girl needs a lot of love in her life to turn things around. I wanted to be invincible. Now I see that I am not invincible. I truly thank those of you who have told me it's okay to walk away. I wanted to love her, and maybe I can't, maybe I'm not capable of that, but maybe I don't hate her. And really it doesn't really matter- she is the kid so what she feels is penultimate, what I feel towards her is entirely irrelevant, right? Step moms don't have any rights, my loves. I will always be the wicked step-monster, except for when I choose to walk away. Thank you for telling me it's okay to walk away.
HelloHolaHallo

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HelloHolaHallo »

Heavenly I'm going to be honest it sounds like you are a total normal person dealing with a lot of "not normal" problems which is why you are frustrated. My short advice to you is to really think about whether you want to deal with this drama, that isn't even yours, for the rest of your life. I have some members of my family who were in prison and have issues around drugs/violence and my mother forbid us from talking to them for a good reason. It gets messy, you don't need to be around that type of drama. That girl doesn't even respect her own father she will not show you any respect until she either has an epiphany or grows up.

You have no children, no record, and you seem normal. At 29 that's like hitting the lottery look at Jess! If his problems start consuming your life then that's probably not the right place for you. Everyone has problems but not everyone has problems like that. *virtual hug*
momof2girls1boy
Amateur
Amateur
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun Apr 07, 2013 8:57 am
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by momof2girls1boy »

HeavenOnlyKnows wrote:I know "hate" is a strong word but that is genuinely how I feel about this girl.

Back story: I am 29f, my partner is 35m, and his daughter just turned 17. I have no biological children and I do not want biological children, though I very much want to foster and/or adopt in a decade or two. I have love in my heart for kids who need it, but I just can't find love for this girl. She is horrible. She is constantly posting pictures online of her drinking alcohol and doing drugs. She is white and she is CONSTANTLY using the N word- I tell my partner how offensive this is to me but he dismisses anything and everything she does and says I'm just a "hater" (really mature, right?). Last year I showed him screen shots she posted online of herself hitting a bong I and warned him that if he doesn't get his kid in check she will have very serious consequences. Sure enough, she was arrested in December and she's facing FIVE charges, including assault and theft. My partner has spent time in prison before (burglary, theft, and drug trafficking) and the girl's mother has spent time in prison as well (manufacturing and distributing meth). I've never even gotten a speeding ticket nor have I ever tried drugs in my life so I guess you could say I am a "goody two shoes" who doesn't understand, but I know the statistics and I know this girl is pretty much set up to fail unless there is some radical change in her life. But like, no one is intervening? I'm like 80% sure she's already engaging in illegal activities- she's posting pictures on facebook of herself with piles of money even though she is only 17 and doesn't have a job. Like parent like child?

So my partner lives in Ohio (we're long distance at the moment) and his daughter lives with her mother in Florida. He and the mom had a 3 month fling (not even a relationship) when he was 18 and he was too stupid to wear a condom. I have nothing against the girl's mother. I have never spoken with her but looking at her social media, she seems like a nice lady who made some pretty bad mistakes in her life but is trying to get her life back together for the sake of her kids. I dare say I like her. Seriously, I wish her the best. My ONLY issue is with the daughter, she's old enough to know that she's acting like a disrespectful little shit and she's also a criminal, and I don't think I can tolerate her in my life. My relationship is seriously rocky right now because my partner is trying to be a Disney Dad and will defend everything his precious little girl says and does even when she is in the wrong. I don't usually date men with children precisely because I don't want to be a step-mother; I don't want the responsibility of having to keep a minor child in check without any of the rights or benefits that come with motherhood. He said it would be different because she is almost an adult and she doesn't live with him and she has her own life to live, but all he does is make excuses for her and I am tired of it. When we first started dating I made it very clear that I want nothing to do with her. I will never, EVER try to dissuade him from having a relationship with his kid, I just want him to keep their relationship completely separate from his relationship with me. He agreed. I told him, if we are going to be together he needs to keep her away from my money and my house. He agreed. So like, if he calls me up one day and says he's flying down to Florida for a couple of weeks to see his kid, I have NO problem with that. None. But, if he calls me up asking for money for a plane ticket to go see his kid, THAT I would have a problem with. I don't think I am being unreasonable. Maybe I am. Either way, he agreed to my terms but now it's like... I don't even know.

Did I mention that she doesn't give two shits about him and doesn't even acknowledge him? Okay so when the mother got knocked up there was a possibility it was another guy's baby. She told my partner (who was in prison at the time) that it was the other guy's. Sure enough, like 5 years later when the mom got locked up over meth the courts did a DNA test to determine who the father is/who should get custody of the kid and it came out 99.9% that this girl is my partner's kid. So he missed out on the first part of her life, and then he was in prison so he couldn't be there for her even after he knew. Well the mom got out before he did, she got back with her boyfriend, and that man raised the girl like his own. I mean she called him "Dad" and everything because from the time she was an infant, my partner was absent but her step-dad was always there for her. Well the step-dad died in 2013, he was riding his motorcycle and was hit by a truck. So the girl is always posting how she misses her Daddy, RIP dad, her dad was her world, etc. It kid of breaks my heart for my partner's sake because she DOES have a dad, but in her mind he's worthless. Step-dad was the only father she ever had, but now my partner expects to swoop in and save the day and it is exhausting trying to explain to him that the world doesn't work that way. He'll bend over backwards for her, meanwhile she doesn't care if he lives or dies. And really, I can fault the girl for a lot of things but I don't fault her for that. It's just frustrating to see how much my partner cares for someone who doesn't care for him, and it's frustrating that he will put our relationship on the back burner and say I'm "just a hater" because his perfect little princess acts like a piece of shit and I actually call her out on it instead of making excuses like everyone else in her life.

I'm sorry, I just REALLY needed to vent. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation- have you ever made someone the most important person in your life even when you know you will never be the most important person in theirs? Is it possible to be with a man whose kid you can't stand?
I'm usually a lurker on here but I have to give my two cents on this. I have been involved in a similar situation however , I was the child. After my parents marriage broke down my dad had several relationships before settling down and marrying a woman who hated me and my sister. Although we are both in our late twenties now this really had a huge impact on our lives and still does. This woman could simply not accept that my Dad had a past and wanted rid of me and my sister - we were around 11 and 13 when we were removed from the situation by family members but suffered around 5 years of emotional abuse - I must add that we were not like your partners child in terms of behaviour. Nonetheless it is an awful feeling to have a stepparent hate you so much for no apparent reason( in our case) we are no longer involved with our fathers wife however have a fairly poor relationship with him now due to him choosing his wife over us. Unfortunately for you - your partners daughter (unless she does something really awful like murdering someone) should always be the most important person in his life. You should always put your children first - no matter how badly behaved they are - and I guess you only understand this when you have kids yourself. It feels pretty awful for a parent to put someone else before you and abandon you. Hopefully she will come out of this phase as she's still a teenager and many teenagers do this sort of thing however if both of her parents have been in jail in doesn't surprise me that she seems to be following in their footsteps even if they may have changed now - because mom and dad both did it she wasn't given the best role models and probably thinks its ok for her to behave this way too. I hope I haven't come off as too harsh - it must be so frustrating for you that this is putting obstacles in the way for your relationship - you just have to decide if this is something you want to deal with because I wouldnt expect your partner to change anything he is doing - he sounds like a fantastic parent who will stand by his daughter and be responsible no matter how bad she behaves - I would loved to have had a Dad so supportive. She will hopefully quit acting like this soon as she grows up which should make things easier for you.
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

momof2girls1boy wrote: I'm usually a lurker on here but I have to give my two cents on this. I have been involved in a similar situation however , I was the child. After my parents marriage broke down my dad had several relationships before settling down and marrying a woman who hated me and my sister. Although we are both in our late twenties now this really had a huge impact on our lives and still does. This woman could simply not accept that my Dad had a past and wanted rid of me and my sister - we were around 11 and 13 when we were removed from the situation by family members but suffered around 5 years of emotional abuse - I must add that we were not like your partners child in terms of behaviour. Nonetheless it is an awful feeling to have a stepparent hate you so much for no apparent reason( in our case) we are no longer involved with our fathers wife however have a fairly poor relationship with him now due to him choosing his wife over us. Unfortunately for you - your partners daughter (unless she does something really awful like murdering someone) should always be the most important person in his life. You should always put your children first - no matter how badly behaved they are - and I guess you only understand this when you have kids yourself. It feels pretty awful for a parent to put someone else before you and abandon you. Hopefully she will come out of this phase as she's still a teenager and many teenagers do this sort of thing however if both of her parents have been in jail in doesn't surprise me that she seems to be following in their footsteps even if they may have changed now - because mom and dad both did it she wasn't given the best role models and probably thinks its ok for her to behave this way too. I hope I haven't come off as too harsh - it must be so frustrating for you that this is putting obstacles in the way for your relationship - you just have to decide if this is something you want to deal with because I wouldnt expect your partner to change anything he is doing - he sounds like a fantastic parent who will stand by his daughter and be responsible no matter how bad she behaves - I would loved to have had a Dad so supportive. She will hopefully quit acting like this soon as she grows up which should make things easier for you.
Thank you for coming out of the woodwork to post :) I'm also child of divorce and my step-father hated me, well he hated everyone, but it was terrible to live with. He was extremely emotionally abusive and I would never want to be that way to anyone, especially not a child. It's not that I want to treat his daughter in a mean way, I just don't want to have her in my life at all. Period. And that was probably really naive of me, to think that I could just have no relationship with her at all, but my partner and even my mother convinced me that it could work and I wanted it to work.

I do 100% agree that a person's child should always be their priority. Always. And for a long time I struggled with knowing that he would be the most important person in my life, the person I love more than anyone in this world, but I could never be the same to him. I tried breaking up with him because of it, many times. It felt unfair to me. Yes, that is probably really selfish of me (that's why I've always chosen no to date men with children, because I know I am selfish like that, and I actually think it's okay to be selfish As Long As no one is getting hurt by it). But then he said he'd do anything to keep me, and he agreed that he would keep his daughter separate from me 100%, and I stupidly thought that would be a solution. And now I'm starting to see that it's not.

One thing I'd like to argue, I do not think he's a fantastic father. At all. He hasn't seen his daughter since she was 7 years old and someone brought her to visit him in prison. He calls her once every few months but she always just rushes him off the phone after a couple of minutes to go hang out with her friends or whatever, because she can't be bothered with him. He will make excuses for his daughter, but I don't equate that with standing by her. For example, when I found the videos of her smoking pot from a bong that she posted online, I showed my partner and told him he needs to talk with her mother and set some consequences for her. He spent 15 years in prison, he doesn't understand what social media is and how big of an impact it has on a person's life. So I told him, when (/if?) she applies for colleges and jobs, people are going to look her up online, and when they see this stuff she's posting they are not going to hire her, they're not going to let her into a good school. She's a kid, she doesn't understand how posting this kind of stuff can come back to bite her in the ass, he and her mother have to make her take these videos down and explain to her why it's wrong. But he never did. He told me that what she's doing isn't right but if I'm getting upset over it, it's my own fault for looking her up in the first place. So as always, I am the bad guy and she is beyond reproach. Another time (and I am ashamed to admit this, please don't judge me too harshly) she was posting her phone number online and I was just so curious about her. This was very early into my relationship with him. So I did a stupid thing, I got drunk one afternoon and I called her phone pretending to be a wrong number. Now, most people get a wrong number and say something like, "Sorry, so and so person isn't here, you have the wrong number," Well this little girl was very obviously high as a kite and instead of simply telling me I had the wrong number, she cursed me out and told me I'm "fucking retarded." 16 year old kid (at the time) with so much hatred, cursing out a complete stranger over a wrong number. I was shocked. Again, I totally admit it was immature of me to call her and pretend to be a wrong number, I was just so curious and then after some wine I did a dumb thing. Not a harmful thing, but a dumb thing, I admit that. I told my boyfriend what happened and instead of telling me he'll discuss proper manners with her, he told me it's my fault and if I never would have called her I never would have gotten cursed out. So I guess my point is, it's one thing to stand by your child, but if you're not going to teach them better ways when they do something wrong, that's not doing them any favors. That's enabling poor and even criminal behavior, and I don't think a good parent would tolerate that. I know my mom loves me and would give her life for me, but when I have done something wrong she would punish me and correct me. Maybe that's why I've never had five felony charges by the age of 17 :/

And the worst part is? I don't think he actually loves his daughter. I think he says "I love her" because that's what a good father is supposed to do, and I think he wants to be a good father, but he doesn't know a thing about her. For a while, he was trying to convince me that he and I should have a baby in 3-5 years. I told him I don't want biological children, and I certainly would not choose to have a baby in a blended family. I'm sorry if that offends anyone in a blended family, but I come from a broken home and I would not choose to have a child with a criminal half-sister that he will never know. This girl steals from her "friends" homes (that's one of the criminal charges she's facing), I wouldn't trust her in my home. So my baby wouldn't get to spend time with his half-sibling? Or I can allow my kid to spend time with her, but always be paranoid about her setting a bad example for him? Nuh uh. Nope. That's not healthy. I also really feared that my partner would not love my child as much as he loves his daughter. Maybe it is irrational but I do think your first child will always hold a special place in your heart. I would fear that if he ever had to choose to be there for his daughter or mine, he'd choose his first born, especially because of all the guilt he has about never being there for her when she needed him. Well this man straight up told me, no, he wouldn't put her first, and actually he would probably love our child a lot more than he loves her. That he didn't get to be a parent to his kid but if we had a baby, he could be there for the baby from day 1 and he'd love my kid more than his daughter who's like a stranger to him. And actually, that kind of disgusted me to hear him say that. Like literally disgusted me to hear a person say they would love their kid less. So it's kind of a no win situation- either he puts me as a priority and I am appalled that he can be such a horrible dad, or he keeps his daughter as his priority and I am hurt that I love him more than he loves me.

I'm sorry for writing so much. Writing it out, I am really starting to realize that we don't have a chance in hell. He was supposed to move down to Arizona to be with me at the end of this summer. I was actually looking at houses to buy so we could have our own place, because I know with his record no apartment is going to rent to us. I was actually going to buy a house for this fool. I got into arguments with my own father over this guy. Lord, what was I thinking? I love this guy a lot but writing it all out, I just don't see how it could ever work.
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

Ah, no, constructive advice is ALWAYS wanted! And don't worry, I definitely don't think you came off as rude or anything like that :)

I totally agree about the imbalance in our relationship. I've taken a bit of a break from talking with him and it turns out, I'm not as heartbroken over this as I thought I would be now that I've had a bit of space to clear my head. I do care for him, but getting this all out as helped me to see that some of the challenges we're facing as a couple probably won't ever go away, and I don't want that for myself.

This guy does absolutely nothing to keep his daughter in check. Actually he blames the mother for her poor behavior because her mom raised her (after she got her back, she had to spend a few years in foster care when the mom was locked up). He says it's the mother's fault for being a meth head and exposing the daughter to that. And then we argue when I call him out for not taking responsibility for his part in this; he was in prison for drug charges so where was he to set a good example for his daughter? He is not blameless in this; I think it's unfair of him to put this all on her mother and I haven't been afraid to say so. If you've read my posts you'll know I am REALLY passionate about protecting kids, even kids like her who I don't think are very good kids and annoy the hell out of me :P I don't want to be with someone who can't take responsibility for their actions or inactions. Unless I get my tubes tied (which I might, I'm still weighing my options) I know there's a chance that we could get together, have a birth control failure, and I would end up pregnant. Seeing how ineffective he is with his daughter, I don't want a guy like that to be the father of my baby.

He says he wants to go down to visit her at the end of the summer, sit her down, and explain to her that drugs and alcohol are not the answer to coping with her problems. She is 17, kids that age think they know everything already, she is certainly not going to listen to a stranger (because really, that's what he is to her). But of course I can't suggest what *I* think they should do for her (get her into counseling, enroll her in an alternative school so she can at least get her GED since she won't go to high school, monitor her social media accounts so they can find out if she's doing something stupid/illegal before it's too late, give her a curfew and not let her stay out until 2am anymore, force her to comply with her probation, etc). I can't suggest any of those things because I'm not her mom, I'm not even her step-mom, so basically I get to listen to him bitch about the situation but I don't get to be a part of correcting it. And that's frustrating.

This is the first relationship I've been in since my horribly violent, abuse ex-fiance three and a half years ago. During those years of being single I did a lot of work on myself- talking to professionals, reading self help books, joining a support group, etc. I am determined to never have an unhealthy relationship again. With this guy, we actually communicate very well and very respectfully even when we disagree. Even with his record, I have never feared for my safety in being with him (probably because we're long distance until this summer when one of us can relocate, haha that helps, can't beat me up if we're in different states!) but even with making plans for him to move down here, I never once questioned whether or not he would hurt me. In that sense I fully trust him and he's the first guy I've trusted since my trauma, which is probably why I was so determined to make it work. I think I probably figured, "This isn't unhealthy, let's make it work!" But just because something's not unhealthy, doesn't mean that it's good for you.

I'm totally fine with being single again if it gets to that (which I now believe it will). I spent two and a half years being single and working on myself, on top of the past year of being with him but not actually physically with him. I enjoy being alone, I'm comfortable with it and I don't feel the need to find someone to "complete" me or anything like that. The mental health work I've done REALLY helped with embracing being independent and not codependent. I'd like to figure out a way to work through our differences but intellectually I don't see how that's possible, and that's okay.
User avatar
ChanelleJo
True Gossiper
True Gossiper
Posts: 1207
Joined: Sat Aug 25, 2012 6:10 am
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by ChanelleJo »

I remember when my bio dad's girlfriend used to hate me... I used to think 'who the hell is she exactly to criticize me after all I've been through?'.
Oh, and you being with that guy kinda speaks volumes, you know? Let those parents handle her and rethink YOUR choices.
Maybe, just maybe you deserve better.
Sorry, not a native English speaker.

Image
fossilfinger
Super Moddie
Super Moddie
Posts: 3304
Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2012 5:08 pm
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by fossilfinger »

I am confused, but maybe it's because I heavily skimmed your posts. You have a long-distance relationship with him, and he has a long-distance relationship with his daughter, and you say he hasn't seen her in 10 years - so you've never met her in person? Will you ever meet her in person? I'm kind of confused as to how all this is such a big issue if your boyfriend never physically sees his daughter and you don't either. Does he bring the subject up that often? And why do you see what she posts on Facebook?
HeavenOnlyKnows

Re: I hate my partner's daughter

Unread post by HeavenOnlyKnows »

fossilfinger wrote:I am confused, but maybe it's because I heavily skimmed your posts. You have a long-distance relationship with him, and he has a long-distance relationship with his daughter, and you say he hasn't seen her in 10 years - so you've never met her in person? Will you ever meet her in person? I'm kind of confused as to how all this is such a big issue if your boyfriend never physically sees his daughter and you don't either. Does he bring the subject up that often? And why do you see what she posts on Facebook?
Yes, pretty much. He and I are long distance (I'm in AZ, he's in OH) and his daughter lives with her mom in FL. I have never met her in person and I have no desire to meet her in person. I don't care if he goes and spends time with her without me- and he does plan on going down to FL to see her in a few months, which I have absolutely no problem with. He was supposed to move down to AZ this summer to live with me. He does bring her up fairly regularly, yes. Like he'll say he won't discuss her with me out of respect for my wishes, but then a week later he'll bring up her behavior problems to me and talk shit about her mom and it's very frustrating. I don't want to hear that.

I am (was?) also concerned that after he moves in with me he would want to invite his daughter out to visit him and I don't want this girl in my home, so I can foresee that causing problems in our relationship. She has been arrested for stealing from her "friends" so there is no way I would trust her with my property. He says he accepts my decision to not have her in my home, but he also said he won't discuss her with me yet he brings her up at least every couple of weeks so I'm getting the impression that this arrangement is not working as well for him as he wants me to believe.

Honestly, I haven't even talked to him in a couple of weeks. After posting on here and reading some of the replies it just sort of confirmed to me that this situation isn't going to work out the way I want a relationship to, and I'm not willing to settle. I have also been dealing with some MAJOR stress from a psycho ex. Like, to the point that I will be moving out of state next month for safety reasons. But I'll save that story for a new thread :)

And I stalk his daughter's facebook, I admit it. Actually not just hers, but a few of his relatives. I first looked at her facebook like a year ago out of curiosity, just to see what she looks like, how she talks. I think kids pick up a LOT of their parents' traits and habits, even when they don't live with their parents. I wanted a clue to who she is to also get a better idea of who my partner is. I didn't dislike her when I first looked, I didn't really know anything about her then. I hate to say it but her facebook is kind of a train wreck that I can't look away from and now I'm hooked. Like she'll post statuses about getting drunk and high and her mother will like those statuses, and her grandma will tag her in statuses about "fuck haters" and smoking weed. It's all very bizarre to me.
Post Reply

Return to “Advice and Venting”