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Not having children

Not having children

Postby FakingIt_MakingIt » Thu Aug 21, 2014 8:39 am

*This is a vent for the most part, I just need to get it out haha...thanks ladies.

Well, hubby and I had a serious talk last night, and made some decisions. I know nothing is written in stone and things could change but I don't feel like they will. Our closest married friends announced last night that theyre expecting their first, which I am thrilled about, but of course led to the questioning of when hubby and I will have kids, we gave our normal answer oh who knows, maybe when hubby is finished school. But later after they left we decided it was time to make a solid plan on this, I had previously been on BC pills but stopped taking them a few months ago because of the crappy side effects I was dealing with, we have been SO careful since but we both felt like we either need to find more suitable and reliable BC or just let what happens happen.

We are going to be finding more suitable, long term BC. Im both sad and relieved. I had no doubts my entire childhood and through the early parts of our relationship that we would have children, and watching what seems to be all of our friends and his siblings have babies or be pregnant recently has been really hard because we are not in a position to have a child. Hubby is in school (apprenticeship) and while I am working and have a decent job it wouldn't be enough to take on all our expenses at the moment PLUS day care, and mat leave wouldn't be enough money to cover it all either. Realistically hubby has three more "years" of school, and even though when he's done it will be a significant pay increase I don't feel construction is stable enough to rely completely on his income, plus he doesn't have health benefits through his current job, and most construction jobs here don't offer benefits. I am 24, I know its not THAT old, but where we are from and our backgrounds, people our age are already pregnant with number 2 or have number 2 already. We are definitely behind. When hubby is finished with school and we are caught up on his student loans and such I will be close to 30, and personally I don't want to start a family at 30. So financially its just not feasible and likely wont be until its to late.

Sorry for the length, I guess I just want to hear that as much as it sucks a logical decision sometimes is the way to go, none of our family or friends understand, we have talked to them before about it when they've pestered about us having children, but I see their lives, living off government aid and loans and near poverty and I just don't want that kind of life, and I don't want to bring a child into that kind of life.
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Re: Not having children

Postby Shameless » Thu Aug 21, 2014 2:23 pm

Hi OP, let my just first start off by saying, I understand where you are coming from. And I'm glad that you guys have been able to make a responsible decision about this. Plenty of people will tell you there's no such thing as the "right" time to have a child, and that you will always feel like you could have waited til you had more money, a better house, etc. However I agree with you, if your standard of living is not up to your expectations for yourself yet, why add more pressure by having kids?

Having said that… 30 is not too old to have a baby. Don't think that just because you can't have a baby right now means that you won't get one if you want one. And also, don't worry about what everyone else is doing or compare yourself to others. I can guarantee you that despite the occasional pestering, they probably don't even care or pay attention to what you guys are doing.
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Re: Not having children

Postby thegooseiscooked » Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:18 pm

My sister had her first baby at 41. She had an easy pregnancy and straightforward delivery, no complications at all. You've got plenty of time.

If you're not ready, don't do it. It will only make the things you're struggling with now more difficult to cope with.

If family and friends put pressure on you, ask them if they're going to help out financially with a baby. That'll shut them up.
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Re: Not having children

Postby blackbetty » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:13 pm

Trust me 30 isn't as old as it seems. I used to think 30 was old but now I'm 28 and realize how young I feel.
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Re: Not having children

Postby LizLee30 » Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:58 pm

I don't plan on having my first (and probably only) child until I'm 30-35. It's not old at all. Try not to compare your situation to the situations of those around you.
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Re: Not having children

Postby dfollia » Thu Aug 21, 2014 11:47 pm

I think once you have the first one you will know whether or not you will be wanting to have more (well hopefully). I used to say that I wanted two kids every time anyone asked me but I didn't even know what having one meant, how it was like, how much time it takes, and energy, especially energy! So, now I have made up my mind of keeping it small with only one child. I do not want anymore kids, NO NO NO! I came to know how hard it is to have children, the amount of responsibility is enormous, having a little life in your hands is a big deal, I can't even imagine one more responsibility. It is a big shock to life style. Or I guess I'm a little selfish, and don't want to give anymore of my "me" time, which I think it is totally valid. If you value your "me" time stick to one baby of you can manage go for the second.
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Re: Not having children

Postby thegooseiscooked » Fri Aug 22, 2014 2:57 am

No, the first one is the hardest. I completely understand what you are saying about the shock, the responsibility etc. It's true. I can't dress it up.


The second one is different. It's not a shock. It's not extra responsibility. You're used to it. It's just lovely the second time around.
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Re: Not having children

Postby blackbetty » Fri Aug 22, 2014 3:09 am

I agree with goose! The first is scary and sometimes overwhelming because you don't know what to expect and you have no clue what you're doing. There's a huge learning curve lol. The second time it's more familiar and you can enjoy all the good things and be mentally prepared for the less fun stuff.

That's another thing I like about the big spacing between my kids! #1 is 9. I swore he was gonna be an only child. #2 is almost 4 and she was a big oops lol. The pregnancy was more fun and exciting because I knew what to expect but I still enjoyed reading pregnancy stuff - I remembered how things go so I wasn't scared at every symptom but it had also been a few years so I'd forgotten the exciting details like how big baby is etc. Same with having a newborn.

I just wouldn't make any permanent decisions yet! 30 is still relatively young! My friend Rachel is 41 and pregnant with #6. You'll thank yourself later if you change your mind. Plus you'll be at a place where you won't struggle financially, you can have fewer kids and give them a better life. You can take vacations together and let them do activities, plus you can enjoy being married and childless while you're in your 20s and save the starting a family chapter for later.

If you decide that it isn't that important to you, that's totally okay too! Just make sure you consider everything. Just because your life doesn't go exactly as you would have planned doesn't make it less great!
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Re: Not having children

Postby fossilfinger » Fri Aug 22, 2014 7:30 am

I agree with everyone else's advice! Don't put too much pressure on yourself. I decided to delay/put off having kids recently, and it feels good to think about personal goals rather than centering everything on an arbitrary timeline focused around having kids. Bringing children into our marriage right now is not ideal at all. If we do decide to have children, I will probably be in my mid-30's (at least 5-7 years from now; I would not want to be pregnant any older than 35, ideally), but right now the idea is totally off the table. We have a lot of other things to work toward first. I want to go back to school and go into a graduate program. I have to take prerequisites to get into the program. I can't take the prerequisites until at least next summer because I want to get in-state tuition and I will not be considered a resident until then. I will need to take at least three semesters of pre-reqs, which means I won't be able to start the graduate program until at least spring of 2017. Then I will have 2 or 2.5 years of school, so we're looking at 2020 for me to start my "real" career. Then after I start the career, I want to be in it at least a few years before having a kid. So yeah. No kids for us now, and maybe not ever, but it's okay. Plans can, do, and should change to adapt to your lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with having a plan now and changing it later.
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Re: Not having children

Postby MakeupGirly » Wed Sep 03, 2014 4:16 pm

I'm not sure where you are from, but 30 is not too old at all to start a family! In Ireland, the average age of the first time Mother is 32 (25 in the US). People here really like to focus on themselves, their careers and there relationships before they start having kids. I honestly think around the 30 mark is perfect in this day and age.
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Re: Not having children

Postby FakingIt_MakingIt » Mon Sep 22, 2014 10:53 am

Thank you ladies.. :)

Ive got a bit more of a vent to add haha, I don't have anyone in my personal life who gets it or cares to hear so Im venting here...
I am SO SICK of family/friends trying to convince me otherwise, or telling me Im missing out. Like really? Its to the point where I don't even want to be around them anymore. First of all its none of their business, they have no right to ask and then when they don't like the answer well too darn bad, its our life not yours!! One family member (brother in law) repeatedly asks if Im sure its just that I cant get pregnant not that Im choosing not to.
And even though we have made this choice, it still freaking hurts knowing that I wont get to see my husband be a father, seeing him hold the babies in the family (and there are tons) knowing it will never be our baby hurts like crazy, but so does thinking about bring a child into the world and struggling like our family members, not knowing how theyre going to pay bills and not having baby clothes that fit because they just cant afford them.
We have made a smart choice for us and every time they ask it stings because in a perfect world this wouldn't be the choice we made but, at least for now, its whats best.

I don't know, maybe Im just over emotional right now but I am fend up with it and they don't get it, ubby and I have both asked them nicely, and not so nicely to stop asking us, that its really not their concern and that we don't want to discuss it with them but they don't get it and Im sad that distancing ourselves from family and friends is what it has come down to. But then on the other hand I don't really want to spend time with them, I love my nieces and nephews dearly but Im the only one (seriously) who is childless so I feel like an outsider at gatherings anyways.
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Re: Not having children

Postby Littlewaltz » Sat Sep 27, 2014 12:51 pm

I have made many posts on here about how I am not having children, I am focused on my career, too busy, too old, etc etc. Well let me tell you. I was engaged at your age to a man who I will admit wasn't the best choice for me. (not saying this is the case for you at all I am just explaining how things/people can change). We were both career driven and on the same page about the no kids thing. It was more my idea than his but he easily supported it. As I went through my mid/late 20's I stuck to this idea and was dead set on it. Well now I am 30 and I am getting married (to a wonderful man not even in the same ballpark as my ex) and will be TTCing sometime late next year. I am eating my words and many of my posts on here and I am okay with that. I don't know how to explain what happened but one day I was just watching a movie with him and it just clicked, I was a HUGE advocate for women being all about their career and not being pressured into having children and here I am now. 30 is not old, my 20's were chaotic and very mixed up and just now am I settling into life and getting to a place where I finally have it figured out. Only now do I have a man who is reliable and committed to having a family and he is in a place where I can look at him as a rock to to lean on in this journey. Your husband who is still in school may not be that just yet because as was the same with me, being in school doesn't make anything feel complete or stable. However don't get down on yourself, a LOT changes as you come into your 30's and you develop more of a routine and 30 is not too old at all, without the added stress of getting it together I feel younger and more alive now than I did when I was 24, engaged, in school, trying to figure things out. I believe the early/mid 20's are the storm before the calm? If that makes sense. But in any case stick to your guns no matter what your choice is. It will get better.
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Re: Not having children

Postby Littlewaltz » Sat Sep 27, 2014 8:37 pm

cakewalked wrote:^^ i'm so happy you've found happiness with him! i also eat my words with a lot of my old posts. its funny to see how we grow, even in such a short time.


I know lol, but growth is good 99% of the time. Even if everything sucks now it totally gets better.
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Re: Not having children

Postby AuntieToABabyBoy:) » Mon Oct 27, 2014 8:41 pm

I plan on enlisting in the Navy as soon as I get down to the required weight (155 and at least 33% body fat). I want more than anything in the world to be a mother but I want to definitely wait until I'm more stable. With all that I've been through I just want to be happy but it doesn't seem like I ever will. Anxiety and Depression are no joke.
Being a auntie is the best gift in the world and when I become a mother my life would be perfect <3 :)
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Re: Not having children

Postby momto6 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 5:38 pm

I think it is very wise to weigh out your choices. I remember being your age and thinking that 30 was ancient. Now, however, at 28, 30 doesn't really seem that old. The copper IUD lasts for 10 years and is easy to take out if you change your mind. Don't do anything too permanent just yet. And honestly it is absolutely no one's right to voice their opinion on how many kids someone should or shouldn't have. As long as the kids are being taken care of that is all that matters. And if someone doesn't want to have kids, that's ok, too. (I have six kids that are very well taken care of and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But I can also completely understand why someone might choose to have fewer kids or more kids or no kids at all. There are pros and cons to every decision we make in our lives.) :) Best of luck to you!!
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