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Have you ever had a crazy ex?

Re: Have you ever had a crazy ex?

Postby Not_Pregnant » Mon Mar 23, 2015 12:03 pm

HeavenOnlyKnows wrote:Because I have a crazy ex, and it's kind of ruining my life. And I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this in the safest way possible?

I've posted a bit about my situation on the GaebAndJesss thread but here's some back story: I met this guy in 2010, love at first sight, he moved in with me after only a couple of weeks of knowing him. When we met he was on multiple anti-psychotic and mood stabilizing medications (he's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was receiving treatment for that) and he was amazing. Then, he went off his meds against his doctor's advice as soon as he moved in and all hell broke loose. He became very abusive- mentally and physically. He was also abusing alcohol so he was really out of control. When things were good things were great, but when things were bad it was like living in a horror movie. He was arrested in April 2011 for aggravated assault (I was the victim) and I STUPIDLY believed his apologies and figured out a way to get him out of jail after just 5 days and get the charges dropped. In August 2011 he nearly killed me, the police were called but they didn't arrest him. Basically they said it was my word vs. his (even though there was physical evidence such as bruises all over me and duct tape residue on my skin and clothes from when he tied me up, but because I had gotten his charges dropped before they were not willing to help me again). Because he was not on the lease the management of my apartment complex did have the police remove him for trespassing, so at least I had that. That was the last time I saw him.

He ended up moving to the other side of the country to live with his brother and I STUPIDLY was still in love with him. We tried to maintain a long distance relationship, we would talk about me saving money and moving out there to be with him, getting married like we had talked about, etc. But he was still very unstable. In one conversation he would tell me I'm amazing and a good woman for always standing by him, then literally 5 minutes later he would start yelling and cursing at me. He lied to me for over a year about being diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and only having 2 years to live just to try to guilt me into staying with him. I tried to break up with him many times, but I was very codependent and stuck in the abuse cycle and it took me another year and some change before I finally ended things for good. In January 2013 I wrote him an email asking him not to contact me anymore, I also texted his brother letting him know that if my ex contacted me again I would have to get another order of protection (he used to use his brother's phone to call me).

So I have moved on- completely, 100%. I've since joined a support group, I've talked with counselors, I've read self-help books and educated myself on domestic violence and I am truly a changed woman. Great, right? Except my ex is still obsessed with me and now I am fearing for my life.

Every few months he emails me. Nothing threatening, just telling me he misses me and he loves me and he wants to talk. I've spoken with the police about this but they say that because he is not making any overt threats, there is nothing they can do. It scares me because it shows me that he is still fixated on me even after 2+ years of no contact and 3.5+ years of not even having seen each other. Not only is he diagnosed with a mental illness but I am 90% sure he's also a sociopath. He has tried to murder me in the past. I am terrified that one day he is going to hop in his car, drive across the country, and show up at my doorstep. Actually he tried to do just that in September 2012, thank God I knew he was coming so I was able to have the police intervene and stop him. I have spoken with a domestic violence organization about what to do when he emails me, I have been ignoring them like they advised but now things are escalating. Last week he made an account at my job (I work online) in order to talk to me. I blocked him, so of course she sent me multiple emails asking me to talk, which I ignored. This morning I woke up to another email from him saying he loves me and he wants me to reply to him. And I am terrified. I'm scared that if I keep ignoring him he will drive to my state to find me and put a bullet in my head. I am scared that if I engage with him it will encourage him and fuel is obsession, and obsession in abusers can be dangerous. Did you know that when it comes to domestic violence, more women are seriously injured and murdered after the relationship ends? It's called post separation violence and I do not want to be another statistic!

I am making plans to move out of state to an undisclosed location so that he has no idea where to find me, but I won't be able to move for another month and a half at the earliest (I need to save money to move first). I am literally afraid for my life. He is showing signs of escalating obsession and until I can move I am terrified of even leaving my house. I just want this to go away, I am at my wit's end and I don't know what to do. I made the mistake of falling for the wrong guy years ago, it feels so unfair that I am still paying for that mistake to this day. I wonder if I will ever feel safe again.

I guess I am just wondering if anyone here has been through a similar situation of having an abusive ex turn stalker. If so, how did you get things to stop, and do you consider yourself to be safe now? All of my family and friends are 2,000 miles away and the police in my city won't do shit so I feel super alone in this. My mother has asked me to send her all of the information I have on him- last known phone number, last known address, etc.- because she knows that if I am ever murdered, he's the one who did it and she promises me she will get justice for me. I am 29 years old, and an only child. I should not be having conversations with My Mother about what she will do if I am killed, but this is the situation I am in. More than one person in my family has prophesied that I will be dead before I am 30 and if things with my ex keep going the way they are, I truly believe that will happen.

You're a really good canidate for a harassment restraining order. Basically, if he contacts you after the papers are served, he can get arrested. I can't get one against my crazy ex thing because I wasn't sexually involved with him and I didn't live with him. I think it may also be called a no-contact order.

Since you have proof of his arrest, you shouldn't have a hard time.
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Re: Have you ever had a crazy ex?

Postby HeavenOnlyKnows » Thu Mar 26, 2015 11:24 am

Not_Pregnant wrote:You're a really good canidate for a harassment restraining order. Basically, if he contacts you after the papers are served, he can get arrested. I can't get one against my crazy ex thing because I wasn't sexually involved with him and I didn't live with him. I think it may also be called a no-contact order.

Since you have proof of his arrest, you shouldn't have a hard time.

I think you are right, and the domestic violence advocates I have spoken with think you're right, but the justice system in my city won't do shit.

Long story short, I contacted the police to file a report, so at least I'll have something on record if things get bad. I was given a case number but the officer who took the report said they won't do anything, and even if they wanted to arrest him, they can't unless he's found inside city limits (and to the best of my knowledge he is living in another state). I was advised by the police to obtain an order of protection.

I called the court to ask how that would work, since I don't know his current address (but I do know the addresses of two of his relatives, one of whom he was living with last time we spoke). I was told that the order does not go into affect until after he is served, so if they can't find him to serve him it's pretty much useless.

I then called the sheriff's department in his last known county asking if they would be able to locate him to serve him the order. I was told no. I can list his last known address and they will go there, but if he's not there and his relatives don't want to say where he is, the police won't do anything more to track him down. In fact I was told by the sheriff's department to hire a private investigator to find him so he can be served. 1. I don't have the money for that, moving is expensive and PIs ain't cheap. 2. Victims are NOT supposed to have to pay to have orders of protection served, and it's incredibly insulting that I won't be offered legal protection unless and until I shell out money out of my own pocket.

Both of my parents have a lot of connections, they both know my situation and they're reaching out to their friends to see if anyone can track him down so he can be served with an order of protection. So far it's not looking good.

Re: Have you ever had a crazy ex?

Postby Lyanna » Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:59 am

Anyone know what happened to her?
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Re: Have you ever had a crazy ex?

Postby Kryptonite » Fri Feb 16, 2018 3:57 pm

Lyanna wrote:Anyone know what happened to her?
IIRC, she requested for her account to be deleted and the request was granted. We haven't heard from her since 2015. :(



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