J Squared

Scar2016
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Re: J Squared

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Jared: ''Point Taken, Kevin Bacon.'' :SS:
Jared gem no. 2: ''Terrible no good dirty rotten horrible day.''
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Re: J Squared

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Jared gunned the four wheeler again. It rolled across the snow like a knife through butter. "Gosh darn it! If I don't get it stuck, I don't have an excuse to call Joel" Jared muttered to himself. Bonnie just came home from Hawaii, with the Ice Princess. He'd had to redo the welcome scene for the vlog three times because Jackson ran to greet Bonnie instead of Ellie, and he'd had to stand there and watch "Joely" and Bonnie kiss. He felt his gorge rise. "Joely". How could Bonnie call him that? It didn't suit his easy masculinity.
With a grunt, Jared used all his strength to heave the four wheeler into a snow drift. He smiled in satisfaction. It was good and stuck. He would have to call Joel to bring the Suburban over and tow it out.
Ellie broke through his reverie. "Jared! What are you doing out here in the dark?" she screeched. He was surprised there was any glass left for miles with the pitch of her screams. It had been so quiet with her gone. Just he, and Joel, and the kids. Heaven.
"I may or may not have gotten the four wheeler stuck" he shrugged. "May or may not? What does that even mean? Did you?" Quit messing around out here with your stupid dog, and get in here and put the kidses to bed. I have a bath bomb waiting!"
(My battery is dying-- feel free to add)

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Re: J Squared

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Jared had dreamt of this day for weeks... Now Super Bowl 51 had finally come - and so would he! Jared knew he'd be unable to contain his... Joy... Unless he relieved his masculine tension before the guests began to show up, so he took his seat on the Dr. Pepper throne, pulled up the footage from his and Joel's trip to the man-spa on his iPhone, and let nature take its course. Afterward, he felt a wave of guilt, but reminded himself that he had done his duty to Heavenly Father by marrying that odious, harping woman and procreating with her. "It's only a sin if I act on it," he whispered under his breath, closing the video file. Instead of cleaning up in the dog-wash, he permitted himself a few moments to gain his composure in Ellie's laundry room, which conveniently boasted bathroom facilities. He washed and dried his hands, adjusted his poofy hair to perfection, and studied his reflection intently in the laundry-room mirror. Did he look any different than he had 3 minutes ago? Would Ellie notice?

When his legs felt steady enough, he walked past Penny in her crate (where she had been for the last 18 hours) and ran straight into Ellie, who was feeding bites of Twizzlers to Calvin straight from her mouth. She eyed her husband with annoyance and gave up the baby-bird routine. "What were you doing in there?" she asked snappily.

"I - uh - bathroom, just needed to use the bathroom." Calvin started shrieking for no reason, and Jared wondered for the thousandth time if the kid was even his. It seemed pretty unlikely.

"I meant what were you doing before in the garage? I told you the basement needs get cleaning some and the floor isn't going to get vacuuming by itself."

Jared tried to control his response. He didn't want her to delve any further into his alone-time in the garage. "I'm so sorry, you're right, I ruin everything. I'll go do it now!"

He stopped briefly in the bedroom to change out of his footie pajamas. He couldn't decide whether to risk Ellie's wrath by wearing his Philip DeFranco "Sports!" tee shirt, which he was certain Joel would find amusing and perhaps even comment on. She didn't like him to defy her by picking his own clothes, or by watching YouTube videos she couldn't follow. He had risked enough already just by purchasing it, because just like his sons, Jared was only allowed to own 5 shirts. Ellie would probably take away his bank card when she realized what he'd done.

The next hour passed in a whirl. He cleaned, prepared snacks, and read the comment section of their latest YouTube video, instinctively "Liking" the comment of a viewer who had requested 112 "Likes" for her grandmother's 112th birthday. What a wonderful, positive community of respectful adults their channel had! YouTube was the second biggest blessing in his life... The first, of course, was being related to Joel by marriage, which gave him plenty of excuses to spend time with his soul mate. And with Jared's own help, his one true love had been freed from the burden of physical labor through the #blessing of YouTube. Now he had plenty of time to relax and catch up on beauty sleep... Not that Joel needed beauty sleep, he was the image of perfection already. Jared imagined him naked, posed like a Roman sculpture, and couldn't help but wonder how smooth his bum-bum was.

When Joel finally arrived at the Ice Palace with Bonnie and the children, Jared felt a rush of excitement. He turned on his camera to film, catching in the frame a variety of soda pop and little snacks. "And we've got the most important thing - Joel!"

Whoa. He hadn't meant to say that out loud, and wondered if this was the day Joel would finally see the depth of his love and obsession. But the moment passed, and Jared kept filming. He'd been hiding these thoughts all his life. He was good at it. Nobody would ever guess the truth in a million years, he played the role of Ellie's husband so convincingly.

His mind was self destructive and traitorous, though. As the football game progressed, he couldn't stop himself from brainstorming ways to flirt or hint covertly at his attraction to Joel. He had tied a cherry stem with his tongue before... But Healthy Grocery Girl's shopping list had not included cherries, so Ellie hadn't purchased any. Perhaps the guests could have a contest in that same vein, maybe unwrapping candy of some sort. The adult guests all agreed without hesitation, and Jared was sure it didn't occur to either his guests or viewers that the contest was anything other than good, clean, God-fearing fun. He filmed it evenly, but the whole time Jared kept one lovesick eye on Joel. He could control his actions, but not his thoughts... And at the moment, his thoughts were stuck on a particularly long-held fantasy in which he filled the hot tub with Dr. Pepper instead of water and spent a blissful evening watching This Old House under the stars with the man of his dreams.
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Re: J Squared

Unread post by nutbagmcgee »

Um, you win the interwebz. That was so freaking spot on. I am dying!
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Re: J Squared

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Kryptonite wrote:OMG! How did I miss this? I'm DYING.

I may need to contribute.

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Please do! It's been such a while. I may have to contribute another chapter...

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Re: J Squared

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China, we're finally here, Jared thought to himself with satisfaction. The flight had been long, and he'd been stuck sitting next to Ellie, forced to inhale the scent of unwashed underarms and some pricey perfume favored by his mother-in-law. They couldn't really afford those indulgences anymore; Jared would have preferred she wear Old Spice or English Leather anyway. Or at least take a bath. He wondered how easily Lush bombs could be obtained in China; it was the only surefire way to lure Ellie into the tub.

She was squawking about something in the bedroom area, while he leaned forward against the bathroom mirror and stared at himself. A week in China with Joel. What a dream come true. There were so many things to learn and explore, and it had been ages since he'd had any Cashew Chicken. Even longer since he'd had his own entree, but that wasn't likely to change today.

"JARE!" the beastling shrieked. "My tummy's bubbling! I gotta poop! I've already got some turtle-head action going on!"

How was it possible for one increasingly-tiny woman to poop so much? He'd have to check her bag for stowed-away packs of X-lax. That was the last thing she needed abroad, or he would never get a moment free of bathroom-talk. Ellie shared more details about her bowels more in a month than his mom and sisters had during his entire life. He vacated the bathroom, and already knew to breathe through his mouth to avoid the smell of her inevitable farts.

Microgerms, though... Eww. In the bedroom area, he went about unpacking their things.

"JARE!" Ellie shouted from the bathroom. "Wouldn't it be SO FUN to have a baby in China?! Think about all the fun middle names we could pick from! Unless it's a girl, you know."

Jared knew. A daughter would be named Jennifer Julie, no matter what he thought about it. "I think you mean get pregnant in China," he said dejectedly. He'd thought he had more time before returning to his stud duties. "The doctor said to take it easy for a bit after the -"

"DON'T YOU SAY THE WORD!" she shrieked. "My mom says it's fine to try starting again, and she would know!"

"Fine, Ellie."

Ten minutes later, she came out of the bathroom wearing a filmy floor-length negligee with a matching robe, rattling a pill bottle. Viagra, great. He'd left them behind in the Ice Palace on purpose, hidden them even, but Ellie clearly left no stone unturned in her quest to become pregnant.

"Not right now," he said, as gently as he could manage.

"Jare, I'll do whatever you want me to. I'll even turn over if that's what it takes. You can turn out the lights."

"I'm jet-lagged, sweetheart."

Ellie stomped her foot. "Fine, we can do it like at the clinic. You can look at magazines or websites or whatever." From behind her back, she produced a turkey baster.

What the Hello Kitty was wrong with this woman??! He stared at the floor, conjuring up one very special memory involving his masculine, thoughtful Joel... and a churro.
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Re: J Squared

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''Ok, ok. Point taken, Kevin Bacon'' he said to Ellie as he took the turkey baster from her and receded into the rancid stench of the bathroom. This was fast shaping up to be another terrible, no good, dirty rotten, horrible day, he thought to himself. But he carried the thought of Joely with him from bedroom to bathroom along with the thought of all the stolen looks and moments he was going to deftly orchestrate while in China. ''Mmmm,'' the sound quietly left his lips as he got_to_work over the side of the bath.

The next morning Ellie insisted on dressing up in a girls anime costume and posing for an instagram pic because she just knew she was already pregnant annnnd - pregnant with a girl. Jared jadedly obliged and took the photo in front of what Ellie liked to call cute, pretty Chinese drawings (he didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually Chinese words). ''So fun Jare Bear. I can't wait to practice doing these cute Chinese pictures with Jackson when we get home. I wonder if they do a stencil set?''

As they sat down at the restaurant for lunch with their group, Jared flinched in pain again from the massage he'd had last night. But despite the pain, he still found it more enjoyable than any time Ellie had ever touched him and whilst he'd lain on the massage table he imagined the hands upon him to be those of Joel and the recollection of this made him instinctively look up and across the table at Joel. ''Oh my dickens'' he thought, ''Those eyes....and those lips!'' He caught himself licking his lips thinking of him and Joel kis ... ''Jare! The food isn't THAT good'' whined Ellie. He stopped abruptly as he began to share his plate with her.
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Re: J Squared

Unread post by RecklessDisregard »

Omg =D

I just love this thread. Nice contribution, Scar!
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Re: J Squared

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Jared - 17th Nov 2017, when referring to sitting crossed legged on the floor: ''Criss cross apple sauce''
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Re: J Squared

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Scar2016 wrote:Jared - 17th Nov 2017, when referring to sitting crossed legged on the floor: ''Criss cross apple sauce''
Lol. Total parent speak. I can't judge Image
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Re: J Squared

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Don't worry, I'm using this thread to compile a compendium of Jer Bear sayings :D

Just before he said the above little ditty he said 'inhibiting' then corrected himself by pronouncing it 'inlibiting.'
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Re: J Squared

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Oh and him pronouncing wreath as wreaf in yesterday's vlog.
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Re: J Squared

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Another Jaredism:

''Holy purple mountain majesty'' . . .
. . . when describing the sunset.

It sounds like a euphemism for the next J Squared story line :rofl:

[Source: Vlog: 'Funny Wardrobe Malfunction While PREGNANT!']
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Re: J Squared

Unread post by lmmomSD »

Scar2016 wrote:Oh and him pronouncing wreath as wreaf in yesterday's vlog.
Does he say "leafs" too? I know Ellie does. So does Andrew from SlyFox.

"Wreaf"? What is he, 2?

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Re: J Squared

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lmmomSD wrote:
Scar2016 wrote:Oh and him pronouncing wreath as wreaf in yesterday's vlog.
Does he say "leafs" too? I know Ellie does. So does Andrew from SlyFox.

"Wreaf"? What is he, 2?
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I've no idea Immom but it wouldn't surprise me. I've noticed also that Bonnie and both Griffith parents pronounce 'especially' as 'ekspecially.' The list just goes on, perhaps we should create our own book on YTMD, a compendium of their special words and phrases :?
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Re: J Squared

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Jared rolled (the rolling bit courtesy of the consumption of the entire Dr Pepper throne made up of boxes of cans of Dr Pepper gifted to him by - Dr Pepper) out of bed as he wistfully thought about calling his third son Joel. He rolled his tongue over the name as he continued to roll his belly off the bed. ''JER BERRRRR! Where are you??? I need you to drag my underwear outta my butt!''
''Gosh darn it and fiddle sticks'' he murmured under his breath, ''I sure do like to paint your nails Ellie and only because I'm pretending they're mine, but freeing your butt crack is a whole nother cotton picken terrible dog gawn thingamajig.'' ''JARED!! Where ARE you?!?!''

He sighed as he dragged himself into the living room. ''Now Jer, I've been thinking and I've decided I'm gonna call my baby boy Mason.'' ''Err, I thought we'd agreed to talk about . . '' ''No Jer, you agreed to talk about it. You know I already decided on the name.'' ''But, but I like the name Joe . . . ?!'' ''Jared! Stop being such a whiny bitch and go get me some candy.'' ''Ok ok, point taken Kevin Bacon'' he said burying his frustration, before reminding her, ''But don't forget we need to film a scene of us pretending to discuss names.''
''Ugh. I hate those stupid viewers so much. All their nasty comments and moan moan moan. Why do they hate me so much, I just don't get it?'' Ellie retorted. He forced himself to say, with as much faux affection as he could muster ''Aww, but I love you Ellie.'' ''Yeah, whatever!'' she quipped back.

He quietly got up off the sofa and walked heavily, shoulders hunched forward, towards the kitchen pantry to get Ellie's personal stash of all thing's sugar. He proceeded to walked through the pantry door downtrodden and came out of it a mere few seconds later, vlogging camera in hand, with a forced and plastered smile on his face: ''Well good morning good morning and welcome to the vlog! I hope everyone's having a great day just like we are. And guess what guys? Today's the day Ellie and I get to discuss names for our third little baby boy. Isn't that fun? Hope you guys enjoy!'' followed by big smile to camera. ''Isn't that right Ellie?'' He calls over to her, lounging on the sofa behind the camera. She flips him the bird out of camera shot and rolls her eyes in a sarcastic and bitchy fashion. Jared looks back at the camera and does a nervous, over exaggerated laugh saying ''Aww she's so cute, she just blew me a kiss'' while thinking to himself ''Please be nice Ellie, just for these few minutes on camera. I have a hard enough time already trying to piece together a full vlog.'' And he rejoined her on the sofa to chat 'lovingly' about baby names whilst imaging what his and Joely's love child would look like.
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Re: J Squared

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This thread is making me die

More updates please, I would contribute myself but I’m a terrible writer lol you all capture it so well!


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Re: J Squared

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chatty wrote:This thread is making me die Image

More updates please, I would contribute myself but I’m a terrible writer lol you all capture it so well!


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I know right! Lol I literally just found this site yesterday and cannot stop reading this stuff! ImageImage

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Re: J Squared

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Scar2016 wrote:''Ok, ok. Point taken, Kevin Bacon'' he said to Ellie as he took the turkey baster from her and receded into the rancid stench of the bathroom. This was fast shaping up to be another terrible, no good, dirty rotten, horrible day, he thought to himself. But he carried the thought of Joely with him from bedroom to bathroom along with the thought of all the stolen looks and moments he was going to deftly orchestrate while in China. ''Mmmm,'' the sound quietly left his lips as he got_to_work over the side of the bath.

The next morning Ellie insisted on dressing up in a girls anime costume and posing for an instagram pic because she just knew she was already pregnant annnnd - pregnant with a girl. Jared jadedly obliged and took the photo in front of what Ellie liked to call cute, pretty Chinese drawings (he didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually Chinese words). ''So fun Jare Bear. I can't wait to practice doing these cute Chinese pictures with Jackson when we get home. I wonder if they do a stencil set?''

As they sat down at the restaurant for lunch with their group, Jared flinched in pain again from the massage he'd had last night. But despite the pain, he still found it more enjoyable than any time Ellie had ever touched him and whilst he'd lain on the massage table he imagined the hands upon him to be those of Joel and the recollection of this made him instinctively look up and across the table at Joel. ''Oh my dickens'' he thought, ''Those eyes....and those lips!'' He caught himself licking his lips thinking of him and Joel kis ... ''Jare! The food isn't THAT good'' whined Ellie. He stopped abruptly as he began to share his plate with her.
I literally laughed out loud... omg!

"...Ellie liked to call cute, pretty Chinese drawings (he didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually Chinese words)."
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Re: J Squared

Unread post by RecklessDisregard »

Omg! :-D

I really wanted to write about Penisgate, seeing as how it was probably the best day of Jared's life, but I am just too far behind on their vlogs to set the "tone" I want.

This man-love situation is rife with opportunities. Jared is our muse!
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