J Squared

[RecklessDisregard]

China, we're finally here, Jared thought to himself with satisfaction. The flight had been long, and he'd been stuck sitting next to Ellie, forced to inhale the scent of unwashed underarms and some pricey perfume favored by his mother-in-law. They couldn't really afford those indulgences anymore; Jared would have preferred she wear Old Spice or English Leather anyway. Or at least take a bath. He wondered how easily Lush bombs could be obtained in China; it was the only surefire way to lure Ellie into the tub.

She was squawking about something in the bedroom area, while he leaned forward against the bathroom mirror and stared at himself. A week in China with Joel. What a dream come true. There were so many things to learn and explore, and it had been ages since he'd had any Cashew Chicken. Even longer since he'd had his own entree, but that wasn't likely to change today.

"JARE!" the beastling shrieked. "My tummy's bubbling! I gotta poop! I've already got some turtle-head action going on!"

How was it possible for one increasingly-tiny woman to poop so much? He'd have to check her bag for stowed-away packs of X-lax. That was the last thing she needed abroad, or he would never get a moment free of bathroom-talk. Ellie shared more details about her bowels more in a month than his mom and sisters had during his entire life. He vacated the bathroom, and already knew to breathe through his mouth to avoid the smell of her inevitable farts.

Microgerms, though... Eww. In the bedroom area, he went about unpacking their things.

"JARE!" Ellie shouted from the bathroom. "Wouldn't it be SO FUN to have a baby in China?! Think about all the fun middle names we could pick from! Unless it's a girl, you know."

Jared knew. A daughter would be named Jennifer Julie, no matter what he thought about it. "I think you mean get pregnant in China," he said dejectedly. He'd thought he had more time before returning to his stud duties. "The doctor said to take it easy for a bit after the -"

"DON'T YOU SAY THE WORD!" she shrieked. "My mom says it's fine to try starting again, and she would know!"

"Fine, Ellie."

Ten minutes later, she came out of the bathroom wearing a filmy floor-length negligee with a matching robe, rattling a pill bottle. Viagra, great. He'd left them behind in the Ice Palace on purpose, hidden them even, but Ellie clearly left no stone unturned in her quest to become pregnant.

"Not right now," he said, as gently as he could manage.

"Jare, I'll do whatever you want me to. I'll even turn over if that's what it takes. You can turn out the lights."

"I'm jet-lagged, sweetheart."

Ellie stomped her foot. "Fine, we can do it like at the clinic. You can look at magazines or websites or whatever." From behind her back, she produced a turkey baster.

What the Hello Kitty was wrong with this woman??! He stared at the floor, conjuring up one very special memory involving his masculine, thoughtful Joel... and a churro.

[Scar2016]

''Ok, ok. Point taken, Kevin Bacon'' he said to Ellie as he took the turkey baster from her and receded into the rancid stench of the bathroom. This was fast shaping up to be another terrible, no good, dirty rotten, horrible day, he thought to himself. But he carried the thought of Joely with him from bedroom to bathroom along with the thought of all the stolen looks and moments he was going to deftly orchestrate while in China. ''Mmmm,'' the sound quietly left his lips as he got_to_work over the side of the bath.

The next morning Ellie insisted on dressing up in a girls anime costume and posing for an instagram pic because she just knew she was already pregnant annnnd - pregnant with a girl. Jared jadedly obliged and took the photo in front of what Ellie liked to call cute, pretty Chinese drawings (he didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually Chinese words). ''So fun Jare Bear. I can't wait to practice doing these cute Chinese pictures with Jackson when we get home. I wonder if they do a stencil set?''

As they sat down at the restaurant for lunch with their group, Jared flinched in pain again from the massage he'd had last night. But despite the pain, he still found it more enjoyable than any time Ellie had ever touched him and whilst he'd lain on the massage table he imagined the hands upon him to be those of Joel and the recollection of this made him instinctively look up and across the table at Joel. ''Oh my dickens'' he thought, ''Those eyes....and those lips!'' He caught himself licking his lips thinking of him and Joel kis ... ''Jare! The food isn't THAT good'' whined Ellie. He stopped abruptly as he began to share his plate with her.

[RecklessDisregard]

Omg =D

I just love this thread. Nice contribution, Scar!

[Scar2016]

Jared - 17th Nov 2017, when referring to sitting crossed legged on the floor: ''Criss cross apple sauce''

[HelloSweetie]

Jared - 17th Nov 2017, when referring to sitting crossed legged on the floor: ''Criss cross apple sauce''

Lol. Total parent speak. I can't judge

[Scar2016]

Don't worry, I'm using this thread to compile a compendium of Jer Bear sayings

Just before he said the above little ditty he said 'inhibiting' then corrected himself by pronouncing it 'inlibiting.'

[Scar2016]

Oh and him pronouncing wreath as wreaf in yesterday's vlog.

[Scar2016]

Another Jaredism:

''Holy purple mountain majesty'' . . .
. . . when describing the sunset.

It sounds like a euphemism for the next J Squared story line

[Source: Vlog: 'Funny Wardrobe Malfunction While PREGNANT!']

[lmmomSD]

Oh and him pronouncing wreath as wreaf in yesterday's vlog.

Does he say "leafs" too? I know Ellie does. So does Andrew from SlyFox.

"Wreaf"? What is he, 2?

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[Scar2016]

Oh and him pronouncing wreath as wreaf in yesterday's vlog.

Does he say "leafs" too? I know Ellie does. So does Andrew from SlyFox.

"Wreaf"? What is he, 2?
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I've no idea Immom but it wouldn't surprise me. I've noticed also that Bonnie and both Griffith parents pronounce 'especially' as 'ekspecially.' The list just goes on, perhaps we should create our own book on YTMD, a compendium of their special words and phrases

[Scar2016]

Jared rolled (the rolling bit courtesy of the consumption of the entire Dr Pepper throne made up of boxes of cans of Dr Pepper gifted to him by - Dr Pepper) out of bed as he wistfully thought about calling his third son Joel. He rolled his tongue over the name as he continued to roll his belly off the bed. ''JER BERRRRR! Where are you??? I need you to drag my underwear outta my butt!''
''Gosh darn it and fiddle sticks'' he murmured under his breath, ''I sure do like to paint your nails Ellie and only because I'm pretending they're mine, but freeing your butt crack is a whole nother cotton picken terrible dog gawn thingamajig.'' ''JARED!! Where ARE you?!?!''

He sighed as he dragged himself into the living room. ''Now Jer, I've been thinking and I've decided I'm gonna call my baby boy Mason.'' ''Err, I thought we'd agreed to talk about . . '' ''No Jer, you agreed to talk about it. You know I already decided on the name.'' ''But, but I like the name Joe . . . ?!'' ''Jared! Stop being such a whiny bitch and go get me some candy.'' ''Ok ok, point taken Kevin Bacon'' he said burying his frustration, before reminding her, ''But don't forget we need to film a scene of us pretending to discuss names.''
''Ugh. I hate those stupid viewers so much. All their nasty comments and moan moan moan. Why do they hate me so much, I just don't get it?'' Ellie retorted. He forced himself to say, with as much faux affection as he could muster ''Aww, but I love you Ellie.'' ''Yeah, whatever!'' she quipped back.

He quietly got up off the sofa and walked heavily, shoulders hunched forward, towards the kitchen pantry to get Ellie's personal stash of all thing's sugar. He proceeded to walked through the pantry door downtrodden and came out of it a mere few seconds later, vlogging camera in hand, with a forced and plastered smile on his face: ''Well good morning good morning and welcome to the vlog! I hope everyone's having a great day just like we are. And guess what guys? Today's the day Ellie and I get to discuss names for our third little baby boy. Isn't that fun? Hope you guys enjoy!'' followed by big smile to camera. ''Isn't that right Ellie?'' He calls over to her, lounging on the sofa behind the camera. She flips him the bird out of camera shot and rolls her eyes in a sarcastic and bitchy fashion. Jared looks back at the camera and does a nervous, over exaggerated laugh saying ''Aww she's so cute, she just blew me a kiss'' while thinking to himself ''Please be nice Ellie, just for these few minutes on camera. I have a hard enough time already trying to piece together a full vlog.'' And he rejoined her on the sofa to chat 'lovingly' about baby names whilst imaging what his and Joely's love child would look like.

[chatty]

This thread is making me die

More updates please, I would contribute myself but I’m a terrible writer lol you all capture it so well!


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[notsarah]

This thread is making me die

More updates please, I would contribute myself but I’m a terrible writer lol you all capture it so well!


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I know right! Lol I literally just found this site yesterday and cannot stop reading this stuff!

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[MandaPanda74]

''Ok, ok. Point taken, Kevin Bacon'' he said to Ellie as he took the turkey baster from her and receded into the rancid stench of the bathroom. This was fast shaping up to be another terrible, no good, dirty rotten, horrible day, he thought to himself. But he carried the thought of Joely with him from bedroom to bathroom along with the thought of all the stolen looks and moments he was going to deftly orchestrate while in China. ''Mmmm,'' the sound quietly left his lips as he got_to_work over the side of the bath.

The next morning Ellie insisted on dressing up in a girls anime costume and posing for an instagram pic because she just knew she was already pregnant annnnd - pregnant with a girl. Jared jadedly obliged and took the photo in front of what Ellie liked to call cute, pretty Chinese drawings (he didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually Chinese words). ''So fun Jare Bear. I can't wait to practice doing these cute Chinese pictures with Jackson when we get home. I wonder if they do a stencil set?''

As they sat down at the restaurant for lunch with their group, Jared flinched in pain again from the massage he'd had last night. But despite the pain, he still found it more enjoyable than any time Ellie had ever touched him and whilst he'd lain on the massage table he imagined the hands upon him to be those of Joel and the recollection of this made him instinctively look up and across the table at Joel. ''Oh my dickens'' he thought, ''Those eyes....and those lips!'' He caught himself licking his lips thinking of him and Joel kis ... ''Jare! The food isn't THAT good'' whined Ellie. He stopped abruptly as he began to share his plate with her.

I literally laughed out loud... omg!

"...Ellie liked to call cute, pretty Chinese drawings (he didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually Chinese words)."

[RecklessDisregard]

Omg!

I really wanted to write about Penisgate, seeing as how it was probably the best day of Jared's life, but I am just too far behind on their vlogs to set the "tone" I want.

This man-love situation is rife with opportunities. Jared is our muse!

[Scar2016]

''I sure do love my Bon Bon'' Joel thought to himself as the surgeon finished up the suture on his under foot. ''But she's been SO busy lately, what with her awesome new clothing line and taking four months to find the perfect couch. Golly, my Dolly never stops'' he thought. ''Most people would take a few days to find a couch but I know my Bon Bon and her standards and four months and nothing less for her to get her perfect couch is why I love her so.''

The surgeon leaves the room as Joel sits up on the operating table waiting for instructions on how to look after the wound. He can't help feeling disappointed that Bonnie won't be coming to pick him up from the clinic due to her high powered career, but he understands as he waits for her sister Ellie instead. A nurse enters the room with an after surgery care sheet and tells Joel someone's arrived and waiting in reception to take him home. When he enters reception he's surprised to see Jared sitting there with a bigger grin than the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. Jared jumps up and bounds over to Joel enthusiastically, and in a high pitched sing song voice exclaims ''Hey good lookin, what ya got cookin?'' and proceeds to nudge and wink at Joel in a 'joking' manner as though it's their own private joke. Joel looks a little embarrassed by this display but smiles and laughs in the jocular manner he's become accustomed to when diffusing Bonnie's awkward, excitable or just plain rude moments.

Once in the car Jared tells Joel he's going to be his nurse for the afternoon. ''But I'm not really going to be your nurse nurse Joel'' as he snickers like an eleven year old boy telling a fart joke, ''that would be just dastardly downright stranger than Stranger Things.'' ''I'll be your doctor though'' he says with a triumphant smile. Triumphant because he thought it was genius to have been able to fool Ellie by telling her the doctors outfit he'd recently bought on Amazon was for Halloween this year and he'd convinced her she could dress up as his patient. Little did she know he suggested patient on account of how much time he knew she'd spend in bed once the baby arrived and that the real patient (at least for this one glorious afternoon) would be his Joely.

''Why aren't you taking me home Jared, you were supposed to turn right there?'' Joel looked confused. ''Oh shnucks shmucks Joel, no need to go home today'' replied Jared in an upbeat tone that he just couldn't dilute. ''Jennifer and Bonnie are hard at work on the new cookbook at yours dincha know. Bonnie asked if I could let you recover at my house til tea time (Jared crossed his fingers surreptitiously so that Heavenly Father didn't hear his lie and Joel couldn't see it).

They pull into Jared's driveway and then garage and Jared can barely contain his e̶r̶e̶c̶t̶ excitement as he hops skips and a-jumps around to Joel's side of the car to help him out. Oh the touch of Joel's rough manly working hand against Jared's smooth lily soft palm is almost too much for Jared as he involuntarily let's out a small shudder of joy. Luckily Joel is wincing from putting weight on his foot and doesn't hear him. Jared proceeds to put his arm around Joel's shoulder as he helps him up the steps into the house through the internal garage door. ''Oh my Hello Kitty's and Snoodle Doodle's have come at once'' he blissfully thinks to himself as he never thought he'd see the day he would be able to put his arm around his one love.

Once inside he helps hobble Joel into the laundry room come bathroom. Jared is still confused what room it is supposed to be but is grateful right now that they have it. He tells Joel to wait there while he goes run the jacuzzi because they need to bathe the wound as per the instruction sheet. Jared leaves and shuts the door behind him and sneaks quietly into his bedroom to make sure Ellie is still sleeping. She was so pleased when he offered to pick Joel up instead of her because SHE'S PREGNANT!!! He knew the boys would be fine playing in the basement alone for another five hours give or take, so this was his exquisite moment with his Joely.

Jared had been careful to only fill the jacuzzi half full and Joel was now ensconced in it, feet splayed up out of the water on the far end wall, either side of an inflatable drinks holder. Jared just couldn't help himself and had to film this moment 'for the vlog.' He asked Joel to hold the camera and film as he began to bathe his sweethearts feet. Unbeknown to them there was a reflection in the base of the Dr Pepper can that Jared had expertly laid flat in the inflatable drinks holder that reflected and filmed the manliness of his hearts desire . . .

[Scar2016]

*Unbeknown to them should read Unbeknown to Joel.

[RecklessDisregard]

This is really fantastic "fan" fiction!

I think the next step, logically, would be reenactments of pivotal scenes (the churro comes to mind) using Barbie and Ken dolls. There used to be a really excellent blog that did this same thing with Pioneer Woman, just recreating scenes from her photos or descriptions. Now the account has been suspended - probably happened when PW went into business with Mattel to create actual PW dolls & accessories.

Well, that veered off topic, lol. I will have to bite the bullet and watch some of their vlogs, so I can come up with something to add.

[WhatTheHelloKitty]

I hope that you will forgive me. I just had to try my hand at writing some J squared fan fiction.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jared frowned. How did he get here and why was Joely lying on a colourful beach towel sipping a virgin pina coloda in his finest swimwear on a Mexican beach? "Ah well. It makes for one pretty sight. Maybe I should go and get changed so I can join him?", Jared thought to himself, realising that they were the only two people on the beach. This made him so happy he let out a Bonnie-on-Bollie-launch-day-like squeal. “Bonnie?!” Joely jumped up, knocking over his drink. No, Joely, it’s just me, thought Jared as he let out a manly roar and ran to Joel so that he could embrace him in an even more manly hug. Joel noticed who it was and the smile that stretched across his handsome face was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. "This is the best day of my life", thought Jared. “Jared, I can’t believe you’re here”. Joel was still hugging me. His eyes were wide and oh so tender. “I’ve been waiting to tell you something. I think I l-“…

*prrfffttt*

Jared jerks awake, cursing the gassy monster that slept beside him. He caught himself and admonished himself. She was PREGNANT after all. The fact that he hadn’t slept for days because she was gassier than air hardly mattered. At least listening to her fart was better than listening to her try to work out how much Miralax she would need once the baby comes, Jared consoled himself. He was frustrated. His dream had been so vivid, so beautiful. *pffrrrt* Well, fiddlesticks, Ellie, that was quite a smelly one. Jared rolled out of bed and grabbed his pillow. It looked like he would need to sleep on the couch tonight. He'd only recently been allowed back into Ellie's bedroom. It was going to be, once again, a cold night.

As he walked to the couch, he stubbed his toe on one of the ugly velvet ottomans. “Oooff. Oww.” Jared hissed before remembering that his Joely was recovering from a foot procedure. His pain instantly dissipated. The thought of his one true love being in pain brought him the realisation that his own pain was a great way to put himself in Joel’s position and he was grateful. He curled up on the couch. He was content. Thoughts of Joel. Having fresh air to breathe. He was grateful. He drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face full of hopes of seeing Joel on the beach once again.

“JEEERRRRR BEAARRRRR, where are you?” Jared shocked awake from the harpy’s screeching. He promptly made his way into Ellie’s bedroom. “Jer, there you are! I slept so well last night. You know how hard it is to get plenty of rest when you’re PREGNANT. I deserve a break. Run me a bath and put the biggest bath bomb you can find into it”. There was no arguing with her. Jared squared his shoulders and got to it with the same level of enthusiasm as he had when he ‘agreed’ to putting most of their life savings into Bollie and when he did the thing with the turkey baster.

Ellie was safely in her Lush bath bitching about the haters (“They just don’t understand that acrylic is NOT plastic”, “That dress is the most perfect dress EVER. It fits me like a glove so how could anyone else think it doesn’t fit them. $100 is just such a bargain.”, “Can you believe that they would want returns?? Like, seriously? Our products are just so high quality.”). She had refused to take part in the filming today leaving Jared a bit unsure of how he was going to pad the vlog. He had been banking on Ellie to rub her belly and talk about her pregnancy. He was thinking back to his dream about Joely. He was feeling so upside down smiley that remembering his dream brought little joy. When he'd fallen back asleep, he hadn't managed to get back to his beach paradise. He caught sight of himself in the mirror. His hair was so not on point! Just another thing to make this just not a great day. He would need to wear a hat today. His reflection was nowhere near as good as the one he saw when he was washing Joely's feet, though, honestly, was there ever a better reflection? He left Ellie and got ready for the day. He patted himself on the back for filming a cute scene with Jackson as he sat down on the couch in the basement. Both kiddos were playing as he got lost in thought planning today's motivational talk.

*bang bang bang* What was that noise? Jared blinked. Jackson was playing near him, but Calvin was nowhere to be seen. *bang bang bang*. There it was again. Jared would need to investigate. He got up and followed the sound to his office where Calvin was whacking his keyboard with a screwdriver. The office chair he was standing on was spinning this way and that. "What a little tyke!", thought Jared as he raced to get the camera. “Jackson! Come here. We’re going to play hide and seek. Let’s go find Calvin!”. Content for the vlog! Jared found himself drooling as he rushed off to film the scene.

Later, after he had gone out for fresh air with sweet Penny girl and ranted at the camera about why people should still watch his videos, he went back in to play a game on his computer only to find that his keyboard was broken. Rotten bananas and tomatoes! That stinker had broken his keyboard. Did that child not understand that you can’t just go potty in toys and break other people’s stuff? He briefly wondered if he should go and play with the boys in the basement before he reached for his phone. He was going to call Joely. He needed his daily fix.

[chatty]

''I sure do love my Bon Bon'' Joel thought to himself as the surgeon finished up the suture on his under foot. ''But she's been SO busy lately, what with her awesome new clothing line and taking four months to find the perfect couch. Golly, my Dolly never stops'' he thought. ''Most people would take a few days to find a couch but I know my Bon Bon and her standards and four months and nothing less for her to get her perfect couch is why I love her so.''

The surgeon leaves the room as Joel sits up on the operating table waiting for instructions on how to look after the wound. He can't help feeling disappointed that Bonnie won't be coming to pick him up from the clinic due to her high powered career, but he understands as he waits for her sister Ellie instead. A nurse enters the room with an after surgery care sheet and tells Joel someone's arrived and waiting in reception to take him home. When he enters reception he's surprised to see Jared sitting there with a bigger grin than the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. Jared jumps up and bounds over to Joel enthusiastically, and in a high pitched sing song voice exclaims ''Hey good lookin, what ya got cookin?'' and proceeds to nudge and wink at Joel in a 'joking' manner as though it's their own private joke. Joel looks a little embarrassed by this display but smiles and laughs in the jocular manner he's become accustomed to when diffusing Bonnie's awkward, excitable or just plain rude moments.

Once in the car Jared tells Joel he's going to be his nurse for the afternoon. ''But I'm not really going to be your nurse nurse Joel'' as he snickers like an eleven year old boy telling a fart joke, ''that would be just dastardly downright stranger than Stranger Things.'' ''I'll be your doctor though'' he says with a triumphant smile. Triumphant because he thought it was genius to have been able to fool Ellie by telling her the doctors outfit he'd recently bought on Amazon was for Halloween this year and he'd convinced her she could dress up as his patient. Little did she know he suggested patient on account of how much time he knew she'd spend in bed once the baby arrived and that the real patient (at least for this one glorious afternoon) would be his Joely.

''Why aren't you taking me home Jared, you were supposed to turn right there?'' Joel looked confused. ''Oh shnucks shmucks Joel, no need to go home today'' replied Jared in an upbeat tone that he just couldn't dilute. ''Jennifer and Bonnie are hard at work on the new cookbook at yours dincha know. Bonnie asked if I could let you recover at my house til tea time (Jared crossed his fingers surreptitiously so that Heavenly Father didn't hear his lie and Joel couldn't see it).

They pull into Jared's driveway and then garage and Jared can barely contain his e̶r̶e̶c̶t̶ excitement as he hops skips and a-jumps around to Joel's side of the car to help him out. Oh the touch of Joel's rough manly working hand against Jared's smooth lily soft palm is almost too much for Jared as he involuntarily let's out a small shudder of joy. Luckily Joel is wincing from putting weight on his foot and doesn't hear him. Jared proceeds to put his arm around Joel's shoulder as he helps him up the steps into the house through the internal garage door. ''Oh my Hello Kitty's and Snoodle Doodle's have come at once'' he blissfully thinks to himself as he never thought he'd see the day he would be able to put his arm around his one love.

Once inside he helps hobble Joel into the laundry room come bathroom. Jared is still confused what room it is supposed to be but is grateful right now that they have it. He tells Joel to wait there while he goes run the jacuzzi because they need to bathe the wound as per the instruction sheet. Jared leaves and shuts the door behind him and sneaks quietly into his bedroom to make sure Ellie is still sleeping. She was so pleased when he offered to pick Joel up instead of her because SHE'S PREGNANT!!! He knew the boys would be fine playing in the basement alone for another five hours give or take, so this was his exquisite moment with his Joely.

Jared had been careful to only fill the jacuzzi half full and Joel was now ensconced in it, feet splayed up out of the water on the far end wall, either side of an inflatable drinks holder. Jared just couldn't help himself and had to film this moment 'for the vlog.' He asked Joel to hold the camera and film as he began to bathe his sweethearts feet. Unbeknown to them there was a reflection in the base of the Dr Pepper can that Jared had expertly laid flat in the inflatable drinks holder that reflected and filmed the manliness of his hearts desire . . .

Dead


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