“And I just want you to know that although me and daddy had sex for a year when we didn’t love each other and I couldn’t stand looking at daddy’s face, you were born out of love. “SerendipitySusan wrote:Next career title? I’ll add Book Author. She already has a title: “letters to my daughter.” We are going to be subjected to reading this dreck, letter by letter, chapter by chapter, for MONTHS until she poops out this kid in the bathtub.
I’ve got an idea. Let’s all contribute a letter. Here’s mine.
“Dear Daughter,
Hi it’s Mummy Elle here! First of all I want you to know, you look GREAT. I mean, there has never been a more amazingly perfect baby bump than you in the history of YouTube. I stroke and caress you in front of the mirror and cameras at least 50 times a day and I marvel at the strength of my abdominal muscles when I flex.
Second I just want to THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH for being a girl. I guess another boy would have been.... well, acceptable, but the opportunities your mere existence in my stomach offer are endless and you are already paying dividends and I do mean paying. People were getting pretty bored with mommy’s drama and control games and domineering personality (don’t worry you’ll love me) but now that you’re coming, everything is gonna change. A little fetal vagina instead of a little fetal penis is going to score MUCHO DINERO for me ooops I mean your family. We knew you were a girl weeks ago. The day I found out I was so excited to register for the most exclusive and expensive baby girl gifts for my community to purchase for you. Oh, you don’t know about the community. The community is thousands of women from all over the world who I pretend to have a deep emotional connection with. I give them advice, I tell them how to dress, clean their houses, select the ugliest eyeglass frames, tie your hair in the most bizarre fun buns, all kinds of stuff. In return, I get money for each and every time one of them watches me tell them what to do. It’s pretty amazing! I was so overwhelmed yesterday when I told the community you are a girl because the community seems like they are really going to come through for me I mean our family again! Oh, the blessed community. You will love them. You’re not even born yet but every day of your life is going to be on the Internet. Some people might call that child exploitation but not me. I have a duty to my community.
Tonight I fed you some chopped up carrots and spinach and tofu and rice. Grow, baby, grow! I know some people out there say I am so pasty that look anemic and that I would benefit from a good thick rare steak, but I know best. Here comes a bite of apple and some coconut milk! Enjoy!
Well baby, it’s time for me to log onto the net for a few hours and delete anything resembling dissent with my all knowing lifestyle choices and sports bras and blessed pregnancy. You may be curious about your father... but don’t worry about that now. All you need to know is that he masturbated in a cup and the nice doctor put it in a syringe and inserted a catheter into my cervix and POW, here you are! Miraculous!
Oh my goodness. I really have to go. Those pesky brothers of yours just flung their hello fresh veggie curry on the floor. Love, Mummy
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