Working vs. Staying At Home - The Great Debate

[Shameless]

Hi guys, I don't often post on this forum as I am not a parent yet and I have no intentions of becoming one in the near future but I thought I would post this anyway to get some input because I am always thinking about this.

I don't really think that one is better over the other, every family is different after all. What are your thoughts? Are you a Stay At Home Mother or a Working Mother or a bit of both? Why and why not?

Please let's not judge each other, let's just share what we do (or what we would do) and why.

For me even in a perfect world with a husband who was raking in the $$$ I would probably still want to work, even if just part time because I like the security of having my own job and money if things were ever to go pear-shaped.

My ideal situation would be to be working full-time as far into my pregnancy as possible, then take 12 months maternity leave (the "normal" amount here in Australia) and then go back to work part-time (3 or 4 days per week) until my kid is old enough to go to "school" (5 day program) then I would go back to full time. Where it all gets tricky is thinking about what I would do if I were to have a second child. If I were to have a second kid I would probably just go back to work full time and put them both into child care.

BONUS QUESTION:

What do/would you do about child care? Child care centre, home day care, nanny, etc? I would probably go with a day care centre because I don't like the idea of them getting attached to a particular person which might happen in the case of having a nanny or sending them to a home day care, but that's just me. Also I would like to do as much of the "care" as possible so a nanny is kind of out of the question as I would feel bad having someone else do everything for me.

Please share your thoughts!

[FLOSSY77]

I think you should be more sure of a relationship before having kids.
Yes. We should all be prepared for the worst, but in a good relationship that shouldn't be worried about.
I liked a church based preschool. Usually a small group and a more loving staff.
I am a firm believer if you can't take some time off to have a child you shouldn't. That is harsh. But you really are just having a kid that is raised by some one else. Why bother?

[FLOSSY77]

I never liked the SAHM LABEL. If that is the case they should call working moms, part time moms. I have always been the sole caregiver taking care of my kids till 3 or 4. Then preschool, then my interests. Different situations call for of course different ways. But please plan to have kids that are cared for by a parent. The downfall of our children is that parents have kids like accessories. Cared for by strangers. That is not parenting. A newborn put in daycare is the saddest thing. You think they are well cared of ...they are supposed to be with you.

[briannaspeaks]

I'm a SAHM. My significant other makes enough money for me to stay home so I do. And we both prefer it that way as well (one parent staying home).

I agree with Flossy. I feel if you can't take off time to be with your child, maybe it isn't the best time to have one. I don't like seeing 2 month old babies (norm in the US) in the care of other people, just because.
If you HAVE to work, ok.. Understandable. Like a single mom, or if one income got cut; something like that.

But I don't like someone else counting my child's smiles, and possibly hearing their first word etc. Her father already missed some stuff from working, why should I too.

[old_soul_here]

I am currently a stay at home mum, due to my seizures I find it very hard to find work, I have been unemployed since they started when I was seventeen
=. I will be a stay at home mum until my son is in full-time kindy (four) most likely as I have just started studying to be a doula. This means we don't need to worry about daycare, just before and after kindy care, if I get called out.
I always hated the idea of having my baby in daycare from very early, my sister went back to work at 2 months (only 12 weeks Paid leve here for mums) by choice, and I could never understand why, she later quit her job to become a sahm but still had nephew in daycare and said she got too bored, was back in work within two weeks. Of course you're bored, dippy, you're kid is in daycare you literally have nothing to do.

[MamaJoAnna]

When my husband and I have kids, I will be a SAHM. As it stands right now, I'm a SAHW because he works with NASA and we can afford to have me stay home. I completed college before even meeting him (with my Bachelor's degree), but because of our small town living, I am literally unable to find a place to hire me. So it all kind of works out.

As far as kids and schooling and "will the SAHM/SAHW stay while the kids are in school," I also plan on homeschooling any and all children we have, possibly in addition to a private tutor (we'll see where money is regarding that), to make up for what I really suck at teaching (for example, geometry...I hate it lol). Our school system is absolute sh*t here and we would both prefer it that way.

If we want to be child-free for a date night/weekend, we have grandparents - especially his mother - who are willing to take the kid(s). So we're set.

[blackbetty]

I prefer working. Kids aren't in daycare right now, but I think daycare is great for structure and socialization. As it is now, my kids are rarely in anyone else's care when I'm not at work. Any time I do anything, my kids are asleep for the night.

I daughter hasn't been in daycare as much as my son was… even my son wasn't in daycare a ton. I don't feel like someone else is raising my kids. I love my kids to pieces and I love being a mom but being a SAHM was never what I wanted. I couldn't dumb my kids in child care when I'm available to be with them like Lora does tho.

Idk it hurts my feelings kinda when people say you shouldn't have kids if you can't stay home with them.

[ladybug]

I agree with flossy 100%. I think a lot of people have kids and see them as accessories. I know plenty couples that could survive VERY well on one income but the mother still chooses to work. I always get the vibe that they wouldn't stay home even if they hit lotto. They like their 'me time' away from the kids. The kids are just there so they can dress them up in the newest Gap outfits and brag about them. Ive never understood it...

[blackbetty]

I think that is a really ridiculous generalization of working moms. Obviously there are parents who are like that, and even stay-at-home moms who are like that. I don't want to stay home and depend on a man to take care of me. I don't want my daughter to grow up expecting to sit at home while a man takes care of her.

[ladybug]

^^^ I wasn't generalizing because I never said 'all moms'. This is my opinion about certain mothers I know who could easily afford to stay home, obviously some mothers have to work and couldn't make ends meet otherwise. Also, it's offensive that you say SAHM "sit at home while some man takes care of them". I do anything but sit at home most of the time and I feel like I NEVER have a break. I'm sure other SAHMs would agree. Also, it's not just 'some man' taking care of me. It's my loving husband who provides for our family.

[blackbetty]

I am trying to have a respectful conversation not a fight. Something could happen to your husband though. Mine was murdered. So that's where I come from. I totally agree there are moms like that, but I do not agree with "you shouldn't have kids if you need to put them in daycare."

[ladybug]

I wasn't fighting either but you seemed very defensive. I'm also a licensed nurse and worked while my son was 3-6 years old, very part-time towards the last year. I hated every minute of juggling things and missing important events in his life. We now have a 5 month old or else I would be working at least part-time while he was in school. It's just sad to me to see 6 week old babies going into daycare, I could NEVER do it personally and I would rather not have children if I had to make that decision. We also have a decent life insurance policy if something were to ever happen to my husband.

[blackbetty]

I couldn't put a newborn into daycare either. That I don't understand. I don't think explaining my side is really all that defensive. I feel like I do a really good job of balancing work and family. I am fortunate to have a boss who works with me also, and that my boyfriend has a great job too. I don't think you have to be a SAHM to be a loving tight knit family. That's just how I feel. Gonna stay away from this thread because clearly I'm in the minority here.

[gypsophila]

I agree with Betty. No, hell hasn't frozen over. You never know what will happen in your life, or when. Every woman should be prepared with a plan of action in case she is ever left alone, to fully support her kids.

I live in Canada, in a big city, and things in general are a lot different here. It's almost impossible to own your own home here on just one income. So in general, most families will have 2 working parents. We have 1 full year of maternity leave paid. I support working moms, because that's what both of my daughters will have to be, most likely. I have no problems with daycare arrangements, or having extended family help out.

I believe it's only going to get harder to be a SAHM in the future, everywhere. So I also believe that every girl should go to college and have a career of some sort. If you can afford to be and want to be a SAHM, great. Everyone deserves to have a child though, regardless of whether they will be SAHMs or not.

[mumma2one]

I am currently a SAHM, I do plan on taking a course soon though.
I don't have a problem with either staying home or working whatever suits or is needed in that family. The only thing I would agree with is that I think the new mum should stay home as long as they feel they want or need to, whether it be 6 weeks, 6 months , 6 years....whatever!! But if that is not an option then that is fine. Totally their own choice. I chose to stay home for a year but a year has turned into almost two now, before my son was born I was working full time & have had a job ever since I was 15. I really enjoy my son & he will be coming up on two soon so I will probably get him into Kinder soon even if I'm not working as it is definitely good for him. Child care is very expensive in Australia, so a lot of the time you see mums staying home as it can be cheaper to stay home than working & paying for child care.

Sometimes a mother might go on leave before their baby is born with the idea that they want to stay home but something might happen with their partners income which makes it unlikely they can stay home for long. So at the end of the day its whatever works for your family, you might want to stay home but your partners income may not be enough to support you all on his own or you might want to work but you wouldn't be making any money after paying for child care, I know its not all about the money it can be about having an outlet or social interactions with other people & that is fine too. I still get "me" time, not very often but I still do.

[Anniekins]

I was a working mom until my youngest was 7 months old. Both my boys were put into daycare at 6 months old. I took 6 months of mostly unpaid maternity leave. I agree about putting little newborns into daycare. They are so little at 6 weeks, and some women can't afford to take any unpaid time off at all. I always thought you should plan to at least take a little more time.

It's great to say you're going to stay home until your child goes into school, but what do you do during summer breaks, school vacations, before and after school care? It can be harder to juggle that than just daycare when they're really little. I plan on staying home until my kids are old enough to be on their own. For now, my staying home is awesome. It's less stressful for all of us. I'm able to get dinner cooked, clean the house, etc. and not have to worry about doing it evenings and weekends. I'm very thankful to have the opportunity to be a SAHM.

[briannaspeaks]

I agree every person should have a plan b option incase things go south. That could be many things though in different parts of the world. It's different in different areas and people have different escape routes.
In the area I live in in Texas it's quite easy to get a job. My family has a couple businesses here and there, my mother/grandmother know nearly everyone in town and I've gotten job opportunities just for being my mothers daughter.. since becoming a mother I have turned down several job opportunities.

My family's fairly close, and have made it sure to me that if I'm ever in need or in case my husband picks ups and leaves one day that they're there. My grandmother did it to my mother and my great grandmother to my grandmother. We're the kind of family that says stay until you save up $15,000 put it down and BUY a house.. It might take a couple years but we're ok with that. Partly the reason why my mother bought a large piece of property.. so she'll have enough room in case one of her children comes back with 4 children of their own.

My sister-in-law (boyfriends brothers wife) is the complete opposite of me. She works a full time job and makes more than her husband. She believes in having money separate and things separate, I feel it may be because of their rocky past. She always said she wanted to have a set career in case shit hit the fan. She had to put their daughter in the hands of someone else at 6 weeks old, since that was when she had to go back to work. She's been working for nearly 1 month and is thinking about quitting. She can't take being away from her daughter.


They both have cons... not seeing your child entirely grow up or lack of work experience.
You just have to pick (your version of) the lesser of two evils.

[AutumnLane]

My husband and I personally think if you have a child you should raise it. Working 40 hours a week and having your child raised by multiple strangers is sad in my opinion. So we knew before we were married if and when we had children I would stay home. Getting a sweet sleeping child out of bed at 6 o'clock in the morning to get ready to go to daycare & get home at 6 o'clock at night five days a week is just so sad to me.

I have worked in a day care setting and have witnessed some absolute awful things. Unfortunately daycare's criteria to be an employee is not very high which means you get employees SOMETIMES were high school dropouts not very educated etc. Also means a revolving door for the employees. Not every employee is this way only some. Most daycare's don't require background check, drug test or a high school diploma.

I want to be the one to witness my child's first word and first steps. Many times we would have to lie to parents about things like that so they wouldn't have hurt feelings.

I also agree that some people think having a child is like getting a new accessory. A perfect example of that is Christina SubfertileFrugalista. She has countless amounts of videos devastated that she was unable to conceive a child but as soon as that kid was old enough and maternity leave was over she ships it off to daycare 40 hours a week. She has stated she could afford to stay home but chooses not to. Then in her update video mentions/complains that by the time they get home at the end of the day her 4 month old daughter is asleep and she doesn't get to spend any time with her. Also during her maternity leave still sends her toddler to daycare because she still has to pay for it regardless or not if she goes. Forget making memories money & the slot in the daycare are more important. Is that what parenting has come to? She doesn't like to stay home with her kids & raise them but sure does like to buy all the cutesy outfits & decorate a fancy bedroom. Children don't need that they need a mother and father to love them unconditionally & take care of them in a way that nobody else on this earth can. Daycare providers won't ever take care of the child the way a parent will.

[AutumnLane]

Also in the make of a terrible tragedy alternate plans & arrangements have been set in place to secure our future. For my passing or my husbands. Don't even like to think about it but it's so important to talk with your spouse about those types of things.

[Chevbowlyn]

You can never get back all the time you missed from not being with your child, but there will always be a way to help you get on your feet to provide for your family if something happens.

I would never want to be a working mom- unless I have to- when my children are so young.