Coming to terms with the fact that I probably wont be a SAHM

[Shameless]

Hi guys, wasn't really sure where to post this so I just decided to post it here seeing as it kind of fits.

I've already had a bit of a rant about this in my 'Having just one child' thread, but I would like to elaborate and get maybe some advice or at least someone to relate to.

I grew up with pretty much no sense of direction. My parents never pressured me towards anything such as getting good grades, having a career, etc. They didn't really equip me with and life skills. (Perhaps) as a result of that, or just due to my personality, I've never really any ambitions to do much at all. I was actually quite depressed for a very long time. I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted to die/cease to exist. I found the world incredibly boring and saw no merit in working all your life to get the house, car, money, family, etc. and all that crap you're meant to have as an adult. I am a lot better now though, I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am working towards a career that I am quite interested in.

Anyway, I never exactly had getting married young/being a SAHM as my one true "dream" but it was probably the only thing I was really sure that I would want to do with my life if it were an option. It is only now that I have turned 20 and am about to move out of my parents house to go to college and to pursue a career that I am realising that dream is over for me. I have missed the boat and I am probably never going to have that life.

What really shook me up was finding a Youtube mom (I won't mention who, feels too personal) who had a very similar teenage-hood/young adulthood to me. We had similar jobs, similar family, similar personalities, fashion sense, all of that kind of stuff. We are like the same person only 8 years apart and on different continents. We even look fairly similar. It's actually kind of creepy. Only she found an awesome guy with a good job and got married at like 22 or something and then had two kids and will probably have more, and although they're not perfect, they've got it pretty damn good.

I don't know if seeing her videos happened to give me a wakeup call, or if it was coming anyway, but holy heck I just feel… out of sorts or something? I am getting old(er). And I am not going to have that life that I imagined I would end up with. It is scary.

As I said, it wasn't really my 'dream', just an assumption I'd made early-on as to how my life might turn out. I thought it was going to be all young love and a wedding and babies and breastfeeding and cloth diapering and meal planning and playdates. Instead it is going to be working and studying and working and studying for the next 5 years at least and I might be lucky if I even manage to make a few friends or find a boyfriend somewhere between all of that.

Really I don't know that's wrong with me, because when I think about what being a SAHM actually entails it's not really that exciting to me, at least compared to all of the other things I could be doing. But I am still upset. All I can think of is "that could have been me if my life were different and I met someone decent and blah blah blah."

Does anyone else feel this way?
Any ideas for some methods of distraction that I could use on myself lol?

I don't really have anyone else to talk to. The one good friend I have would not relate to this at all. My other good friend, oddly enough, is a (mostly) SAHM with 2 kids.

[LizLee30]

I'll preface this by saying that I can't relate, because I have always wanted to be a working mother. My desire for career success and motherhood are equal. I, personally, would hate to be a stay at home mother. I'd hate to have to forego my career.

That being said, I think you're experiencing a quarter-life-crisis of sorts. You're only 20 so I'm not sure why you think that you've missed the boat. Being a stay at home mum isn't dependent on finding and marrying your childhood sweetheart. Being a stay at home mother can still be your ultimate goal, but in the meantime you can study, travel, gain invaluable work and life experience, all before settling down and committing yourself to a husband and children. In a way, you will be streets ahead of the early 20-something's who've experienced nothing outside of motherhood.

There's no reason why you can't be a stay at home mother in the future if your situation permits it. And if that can't/doesn't happen for you, you will have time and experience under your belt that will help you decide what else you want to pursue.

Like I said, I don't have the desire to be a SAHM at all, but I experienced the same kind of limbo last year. I started studying Law and absolutely hated it, which was difficult for me because it was a career I had been set on pursuing for years, so when I realised I didn't want to stick it out, I panicked because I had no back up. I was fortunate to quickly realise where my real interests and passions lay. You are only young and there's absolutely no reason why you should have it all figured out at your age. Live a little and gain that time and experience, and worry about the rest later on.

[Shameless]

Like I said, I don't have the desire to be a SAHM at all, but I experienced the same kind of limbo last year. I started studying Law and absolutely hated it, which was difficult for me because it was a career I had been set on pursuing for years, so when I realised I didn't want to stick it out, I panicked because I had no back up. I was fortunate to quickly realise where my real interests and passions lay. You are only young and there's absolutely no reason why you should have it all figured out at your age. Live a little and gain that time and experience, and worry about the rest later on.

Thanks for your reply. What I kind of meant when I said I'd "missed the boat" was that not only had I missed out on doing the whole thing while I was young, but also that I guess I was born too late and into the wrong type of situation to even have that life as a real option anyway, ie. marrying young isn't really the done thing anymore and neither is being a SAHM. Both are the exception rather than the rule these days, and probably into the future.

Because of my upbringing, it has taken me a long time to get my head around the fact that I can go to university, I can have a career, I can make success for myself if I want to. Before about 1.5 years ago, I never even considered that as an option for myself. I just sat around with my crappy job in retail and I thought that was it.

I don't even know why I'm so upset about the whole damn thing, because like you with the law thing, I don't really want to do it anyway, it doesn't really sound that appealing to me. I have found an area that I'm really passionate about, which is Finance. I already have a somewhat related entry-level job, I will be going to college to pursue a career and I'm really excited about it.

I'm just… scared I suppose. And afraid of how much work I have have ahead of me. I suppose I could also just be having a moment of "holy fuck I'm actually an adult now".

[tieruhhlynn]

I'm a stahm mom and married all at the tender age of 19. It never was my plan to be where I'm at today, honestly if it was my choice, I'd be in the military right now working on a degree. I never got to experience the things I've wanted. Don't get me wrong though, being with my child and being able to watch him grow and take care of him while my husband works is a blessing. I'm very lucky at my age to be able to. However, don't ever feel like you've missed the boat! You can find someone even in your 20's and 30's and take maybe a year or two off of work to experience it. You'll be better off financially as well!

[briannaspeaks]

You never know, you could be a SAHM one day... if you truly want to be.

Right now you're doing everything you're "supposed" to do, if you catch my drift. Go to college, get married, then have kids.

You may not have children for another 5-10 years. And when you do you may have so much money saved up and everything is "ideally" perfect in your life you CAN be a SAHM. You'll have a well paying job that may give you a long maternity leave, and during that time you can contemplate if you want to be a SAHM or not. Also down the line you might buy a house and car, so that's out of the way when a baby comes. You'll have a nice wedding, one you want.

One top of ALL that, 5-10 years down the line when you have a child your husband will more than likely have a great job as well. And as the years go by he'll move higher. With that being said in due time you can be a SAHM.


I got pregnant early at 18.Never worked a day in my life. Have been a SAHM for over 3 years. Always been supported by my boyfriend since day one. And the MAIN reason I was a SAHM was because I wanted to be and my boyfriend wanted a parent at home. So we made it work. I budget money like crazy, we live in a smallish house, when we bought our new car we didn't get anything too fancy (Nissan Sentra Sr), I hang dry clothes (saves a ton of money).

If you truly want to be a SAHM, trust me you'll find a way, you'll make it work.

[Shameless]

I got pregnant early at 18.Never worked a day in my life. Have been a SAHM for over 3 years. Always been supported by my boyfriend since day one. And the MAIN reason I was a SAHM was because I wanted to be and my boyfriend wanted a parent at home. So we made it work. I budget money like crazy, we live in a smallish house, when we bought our new car we didn't get anything too fancy (Nissan Sentra Sr), I hang dry clothes (saves a ton of money).

If you truly want to be a SAHM, trust me you'll find a way, you'll make it work.

Thanks for your reply, I agree, I am probably doing everything the "right" way, if there even is such a thing. I guess I was just in shock a little bit. I never thought I would be successful in this kind of way.

Lol a fun fact, I always imagine you looking like Kristen Stewart because she is in your signature haha.

In fact I imagine everyone as their avatar/signature.

[blackbetty]

I got pregnant early at 18.Never worked a day in my life. Have been a SAHM for over 3 years. Always been supported by my boyfriend since day one. And the MAIN reason I was a SAHM was because I wanted to be and my boyfriend wanted a parent at home. So we made it work. I budget money like crazy, we live in a smallish house, when we bought our new car we didn't get anything too fancy (Nissan Sentra Sr), I hang dry clothes (saves a ton of money).

If you truly want to be a SAHM, trust me you'll find a way, you'll make it work.

Thanks for your reply, I agree, I am probably doing everything the "right" way, if there even is such a thing. I guess I was just in shock a little bit. I never thought I would be successful in this kind of way.

Lol a fun fact, I always imagine you looking like Kristen Stewart because she is in your signature haha.

In fact I imagine everyone as their avatar/signature.

She doesn't look like Kristen Stewart lol but she's gorgeous!

Btw I'm white lmao

[blackbetty]

I'm blackbetty as in bam Ba lam not as in of a darker skintone. Haha.

[tieruhhlynn]

^ do you think you'll ever work?

Most definitely lol I plan on starting college at rhe end of next year and can hopefully find a job afterwards. I don't want to be at home by myself when my son starts school and my husbands deployed. I would go crazy.

[thegooseiscooked]

I genuinely don't understand this thread. Shameless, you've just turned 20, you're moving out to go to college (what should be a super exciting and fun time for you), you are working towards a career that you are interested in, you don't have a boyfriend, significant others partner or husband so you are free and easy....and you're upset that you're never going to be a stay at home mother.

Which is weird because it was never a particular dream of yours anyway.

Is anyone else confused? Who said that you have to be a SAHM by the age of 20 or it's not going to happen? You're jealous of your 22 year old friend from YouTube who is getting married and having babies.

Um....my advice to you would be to stop watching people with babies on YouTube. Enjoy college, have tons of fun, go out and party if that's your thing. Relax. Save up and maybe travel to somewhere exotic. Get your career started. That is way more exciting than being tied down with a baby at 20. Grasp every opportunity by the horns and live life to the full. No guy is going to want a girl who is desperate to be married and have babies straight away. That sounds awfully like Lindsey and Jessica.

As for you blaming your lack of ambition and drive on your parents.....ahem. You're in charge of you. It's nobody's fault but your own. From what I understand of your post, you have no particular desire to be a young mum but meh...nothing else appeals so you might as well. That's a terrible attitude.

Stand up, give yourself a good kick in the pants and get out there and start living. This isn't a rehearsal.

[JennaLuvBug]

My mom became a SAHM when we were all grown or in high school lol! She worked her entire life from the time she had my sister at 18 until she decided to be a SAHM in her 40s.
It's never too late to do something whether go back to school or be a SAHM.


I am not a SAHM and have no desire.... But who knows when I get to my 40s I may change my mind.