Help with handling friend's attempted suicide

[Greys Encyclopedia]

My friend, M, is a very happy go lucky person on the outside despite her very rocky past. I'm not sure where her dad is and her and her siblings were placed into foster care, I don't know the reason, for I don't know how long. They currently live with their mom and they are all very close. M has anxiety and depression and she had anger issues that she has worked through.

She recently started going to therapy classes and they had a camping trip from last Friday to this Tuesday. Friday was our last day of school before Spring Break. She was happy and excited for break and we had plans to hang out. At 3 pm Friday she texted me that she loved me and I was a great friend. I said the same back and thought nothing of it since we've been getting a lot closer these past few weeks.

I'm going to get my cartilage pierced this week as an early birthday present and so I told her and she wanted to tag along. We had the date set and everything was good. We stopped texting around 6 pm Friday. I texted her Saturday, forgetting she was in the mountains, and got no reply, I remembered so I thought nothing of it.

Then yesterday at around 9 pm (it's currently 1:30 am, I can't sleep) her friend texted me from her phone saying she was in the hospital. I was freaking out thinking maybe she hurt herself camping. The friend told me she tried to commit suicide Friday evening. I was completely shocked. She hasn't said a word of ever feeling like she was so hopeless that that was her way out. Like I said before, she was happy all day.

I don't know when I'll get to see her or talk to her since her mom will probably want to keep her close by at all times. When I do see her I don't know how I will handle the situation. I obviously won't ask how or why, I will express how much I care for her and how I will always be there for her, but I don't know what I should really do.

Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

[rodgerdodger]

Having helped numerous friends over the years who have attempted suicide, the best advice I can give is just listen. Text/call M and let them know you are always here to listen to whatever it is they are thinking, even if it sounds delusional/paranoid. A good support system is vital right now, and you can't control or force M to come to you for help, they very may have other people they prefer to talk to about stuff. It is important to know that if that is the case, don't get offended; it doesn't mean they don't trust or like you as much as the other person, it just means they feel more comfortable talking with that other support.
When you see them face to face, chat like you normally would, and then when there is a lull in the conversation or you feel the moments right, just ask if M "wants to talk about it, or would prefer to not address it". Then let M decide.
If M does decide to talk and open up with you, it is super important to withhold judgement. Do NOT say something is "stupid" or "crazy", try to understand what they are saying and if you disagree with something; 'i.e., "I just hate myself/Feel like everyone hates me", then you can give your input and give reassurance that you love and care about them.
So listen, and make sure that M always has power over what they want/don't want to talk about. Be a support system and give extra love and reassurance to them. The fact that you care this much that you are on here asking for advice speaks volumes. Believe me. I know how scary this is, and always feel free to PM me to talk about it in more detail. But you are a great friend. Remember that. It will be okay.

[Greys Encyclopedia]

Thank you so much. I'm going to take everything you said into consideration when I see her. Hopefully soon.

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800-273-8255 and talk with trained professionals about your friend and how you can help her. They can also give you signs on what to look for so that if she does start sliding back into self harming thoughts you be able to notice it sooner and possibly intervene before she hurts herself again. (Also I am so sad this is the second time this hour I've given out this number, but they do save lives.)

I'm not a professional so I can't tell you what to do, but based on my experiences I can advise on what NOT to do. This is coming from someone who dealt with cutting and suicidal ideation for 18 years and two actual suicide attempts (one of which resulted in a 5 day hospital stay). When people are actively in that mindset, they really don't want to hear platitudes about how they have so much to live for. I know people mean well by it but when they say things like, "You have so much to live for," "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," "Other people have it worse than you and they're happy, you can be happy too" it's really insulting and dismissive. Sayings like that can make the person feel like their emotions are not valid or taken seriously, or that their very real issues are being dismissed by the people they care about and trust. I'm not saying don't try to cheer her up, but try to remember that she's allowed to be sad. I think if you just let her be sad around you it will make her realize that she can let her guard down around you and that you will still be her friend when she is her genuine self, and that actually might help her to feel more secure and even happier.

[Greys Encyclopedia]

Thank you so much. I didn't know that hotline also helped those involved. I really appreciate it

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Definitely! At the very least they can let you know about resources for you and your friend in your area

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Kryptonite is spot on- she's a smart little lady! I agree when she said that you'll know the difference between a real threat or warning sign vs. just bad thoughts. You will know if she is in immediate danger, in which case you need to call 911 or a trusted authority figure immediately. Here are some specific suicide warning signs that mean she's not in immediate danger, but are very serious clues that she may be relapsing and contemplating retrying. I copied this list from from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suici ... icidal.htm

If she starts doing any of these things you should probably bring it to her parents' attention (I'm assuming from your post she's underage, right? I'm sorry if that's incorrect).

Suicide Warning Signs

- Talking about suicide: Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as "I wish I hadn't been born," "If I see you again..." and "I'd be better off dead."

- Seeking out lethal means: Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.

- Preoccupation with death: Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.

- No hope for the future: Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped ("There's no way out"). Belief that things will never get better or change.

- Self-loathing, self-hatred: Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden ("Everyone would be better off without me").

- Getting affairs in order: Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.

- Saying goodbye: Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won't be seen again. [NOTE this one is HUGE]

- Withdrawing from others: Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.

- Self-destructive behavior: Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a "death wish."

- Sudden sense of calm: A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide.

[Greys Encyclopedia]

Thank you both.

Looking back I do see some warning signs, not very big ones. She did send me a text saying she loved me and I was a great friend. That should've been a big warning sign. I thought it was a little odd, but we have been getting closer and she has been feeling down lately so I thought she was just really appreciative of my support. Her and our other friend had sort of a falling out (they reconciled 2 hours later) and I was there for her, I thought it could have been for that too. That happened the day before it happened.

And yes, we're both turning 16 very soon

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Hindsight is 20/20. I'm sure looking back knowing what you know now you can recognize some red flags, but unless you're a trained professional you had NO way of knowing that she was going to do what she did. No way. So I hope you're not beating yourself up wondering if you could have prevented it. You really could not. And I think you're a great friend for being so concerned and wanting to support her.

You can be on the lookout for warning signs moving forward, but it's not your job to keep her healthy and I hope you won't take on that burden or feel like you are responsible for her decisions. I don't know if that's coming out right but I basically mean to say, it's good to be concerned for her and supportive of her, but if you try to be over-vigilant that's just going to take your energy away from YOU and that's not good either. It's a really fine balance and it will probably take some practice. Being around depressed people can be really draining (I know, I was one of them!) so make sure you remember to take time for yourself and work on happy things in your life in addition to wanting to be there for your friend.

[Greys Encyclopedia]

You guys (girls ) have really helped me with this. Thank you soo much. I'm glad anyone can come here for help and get such kind advice from people who gone through similar situations

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Isn't this community lovely? If the people who accuse this of being a "hate site" only knew!

You can also feel free to PM me as well if you like! You might be more comfortable talking with people your age and that's understandable, and then sometimes you want an older adult's perspective/advice who's not a parent or teacher or someone who knows you personally. I'm 29 and have a history of attempted suicide and cutting as a teenager BUT I've been better and completely off my antidepressants for years so I can understand both sides.

And of course this offer extends to the OP as well as anyone reading who may be having a difficult time and needs someone to listen

[Greys Encyclopedia]

UPDATE:

M was released from the hospital last night and she texted me. She seems to be doing okay, but I've only talked to her over text. Our other friend is with her right now and I'll be going over later today or tomorrow.

I again want to thank everyone here who helped me with this and when I see her I'll be using everything you all recommended to handle the situation.