[Venting] I've problems with my job, I can't work

[Halunke]

I'm on sick leave now but I've job in 2 days and I sooo don't want to go. I've even started to think what to do to make myself sick again so that the doctor would prolong my sick leave. I've thought about asking the doctor to prolong the sick leave even though I'm ok now just because I don't want to go to job and I know she wouldn't do that. I've thought about just not going and that's it. I've thought about every possibility to avoid working. My eyes just fill with tears when I think about that date when I've work.

I work in aviation, I've been working there for two months now and I still have the feeling I don't understand anything. Besides, before that I was working together with an experienced employee who was teaching me and I just followed him but now, when I return to job, I'll have to work on my own and you cannot imagine how much it scares me. I passed all the tests but still I've feeling that I haven't learned anything, that I don't know anything, won't know where to go and what to do. I'm even scared of my coworkers, because they know each other so well and get along so well, and I'm just standing there quietly, not looking at anyone, not talking to anyone, just trying to work. I'm so very antisocial that I just cannot start a conversation.

My boss is good to me but I just don't want to be there. But then again, this is not my first job and I've felt like that in all my previous jobs as well. There has never been a workplace where I'd feel good. That's why I've never stayed in one job longer than a month, which is nothing good, of course, but I always just made it till my first salary and left. This is actually the longest time I've ever kept one job.

From one side, this is quite prestigious job, it wasn't easy to get it, my parents are proud of me for working in such a place and at the end of the day I know that one way or the other I need that money. I know that I'd feel very bad if I lost this job but somewhere in the back of my head I feel it's going to happen because I cannot be there. I've no idea what will happen two days from now, with my brain and my common sense I know what I should do and that is go to job and work but in my heart I've a feeling that I just won't go and later mentally scourge myself for doing that.

From the other side I know I just can't work. I cannot imagine work that I'd like to do. Any kind of job just raises my anxiety levels into heaven, makes me feel miserable, stressed and very emotional. I'm just 25, still young but I feel like I'll end my life on the street because I'm afraid to work, therefore I'm unable to keep a steady job. I have this job now but I feel like I'll lose it, either by leaving myself or being fired.