SnarkieSophie wrote:Greedner Family Back Home - Day 1
Trashley is driving because Two Ton is suffering MAJOR donit withdrawal symptoms. Poor Two Ton is irritable, emotionally unstable, anxious, depressed and restless. He is sweating and having hot flushes. His body is weak and aches. He has a headache and his appetite is ravenous. So Trashley drives the Greedner tribe straight from the airport to Daylight Donits. Two Ton tells his phone his durls pleaded with him to buy them donits as soon as they got home. He orders a dozen boxes of the Greedner Special and 4 jumbo bags of donit holes for his durls.
On the way to drop off Grandma and Garrison, Two Ton hoovers up 3 of the boxes and miraculously his donit withdrawal symptoms disappear and he feels like a new man, well as much like a man as Two Ton can feel. When they get to Grandma's Two Ton leaps, if you could call it that, out of the wagon and bellows to Madison and Oakland, from the street, to help unload Grandma, Garrison and their luggage.
Trashley realises, just in the knick of time, that Oakland is hauling Grandma's suitcase AND the fancy schmancy 400 bucks real leather diaper bag she let poor Grandma use as a hand luggage, into Grandma's house. Like a baby giraffe, she falls out of the wagon and runs awkwardly towards Oakland. She is like a woman possessed. That is her freebie NOT Grandma's and, despite the fact that she NEVER has and never will use a diaper bag, and only ever uses her baby pink Chanel padded bag knock off as her handbag that freebie is hers, GODDAMIT! Like a first-grade, professional rugby football player she brilliantly spear tackles Oakland to the ground and snatches her freebie diaper bag dumping its contents on the concussed Oakland.
Two Ton, now back to the person we know and loathe, hops into the driver's seat whilst bellowing at Madison and Oakland to drop every thing and get into the wagon ASAP because they will have to parent his durls today.
Home at last.
Two Ton bellows at Madison and Oakland to take his durls and the luggage inside and upstairs.
Trashley goes straight to her room and closes and locks the bedroom door because she can feel another Serious Neck Injury is on its way and so goes to bed.
Two Ton hops in his wagon and roars off in the direction of the Post Office.
Meanwhile, at home, Oakland takes all the luggage upstairs and starts the first of many loads of washing while Madison catches up with her beloved nieces. After the girls' initial excitement at seeing their much loved real Mom, she settles each girl down with an age appropriate activity and spends time with each girl, individually, asking them about their vacation, what they saw, what they did, what was their favourite thing etc. She often tells them to use words and always corrects mispronunciations.
Two Ton is fanging it down the highway with his boy love, George Michael, blaring away on the car stereo. But something has been niggling away at Two Ton ever since he read something on the red eye last night. Those BITCHES on HIS YTMD thread are daring him to donate swaddle blankets and all the brand new, still unopened baby products to some hospital on the gulf coast because of a storm or something or other. Doh! He wondered, at the time, whether letting TLC film his basement would someday come back to bite him on the butt.
On one hand, he would dearly love to make those bitches eat humble pie across all his social media. On the other hand Trashley's words when he showed her the posts were still ringing in his ears. "Tyson Craig, if you even think of donating MY things, oh I mean OUR things my handsome bison man, I will NEVER let you peek at my expensive fun bags again. Do you hear me???" No, he doesn't want those thoughts to spoil his secret pleasure. He must do what his heroine, and the person he most wanted to be when he grew up, Scarlett O'Hara, would do. He'll think about that tomorrow!
Thinking for Two Ton sure makes him thirsty so he heads to Sodalisicous and buys himself 6 buckets of the "Tyson Pure Sugar Syrup Special", enough to last him until mid-afternoon.
Vibrating with pleasure filled anticipation he heads to the Post Office.
As he'd anticipated a week's worth of parcels from the KADs necessitated 2 trips to the wagon and he threw all of the parcels into the wagon's trunk/boot except for 3 small parcels with the secret code words "Papa Bear".
Off Two Ton roars to the secluded park he discovered last year. He quickly hoovers up 2 more boxes of the Greedner Special Donits then he pours 2 buckets of Sodalicious down his throat. Sitting back and sighing he lets out a very long, "Trashley" loud and satisfying burp. Wildlife flew, ran or scurried away across 3 counties in terror. An added delight for Two Ton.
He then cleans his face, arms and hands with half a pack of wipes. It was time. His secret pleasure. He had been fantasizing about this the whole time he was in Hawaii. With shaking hands, he tore open the 3 parcels with the secret code. Their contents spilled out on to the top of his quivering tummy (because Two Ton doesn't have a lap as his HUGE gut covers it) and sighs with pleasure. Three photos of three different KADs, all in very cheeky teddies. And, three different panties. I am truly blessed shouts Two Ton and lifts the first pantie to his nose.............
Awl done. Two Ton fangs off. He must pick up 53 gallons of milk for his durls and a take out lunch from Chick-fil-A for his family. He's hoping his durls and Madison and Oakland kept their hunger pangs and sugar addiction at bay by eating the 3 boxes of the Greedner Special Donits he left them.
Lunch
His durls nap.
Two Ton naps.
Trashley remains locked in her bedroom doing who the fuck knows or cares.
Madison and Oakland pick and pack the Chinese blanket business orders that came through while the Greedners were in Hawaii.
The durls wake up. Madison and Oakland take them to the park in the Greedner's backyard.
Two Ton continues to nap.
The durls and Madison and Oakland return and wake up Two Ton.
Madison and Oakland bathe the Feral Four and put them in their jarmies (pyjamas).
Because the Greedner family are tired due to the time difference, Two Ton orders 10 large pizzas to be home delivered, Two Ton tell his phone that pizza is his durls favourite food and that they have asked for it.
Because he is soooo very tired Two Ton rings his brother Drake and bellows at him to come and pickup Madison and Oakland and take them home but not before Madison and Oakland put his durls to bed.
Two Ton is so tired he can barely keep his eyes open so he knocks on his locked bedroom door. Trashley, looking like she had slept all day, spent an hour in the bath, three hours painting and spackling her face and two hours on her hair to achieve that "bed head" style that she believes makes her look seductive opens the door and informs Two Ton that there is a major drone crisis and Mr Mountable is due any minute to help her fix it on the LARGE sofa downstairs.
Two Ton looks at Trashley and can't for the life of him work out why Trashley has fashioned the Gro Pro black belt into a tight fitting Zena Warrior Princess style bra over her T-Shirt but is too tired to ask and goes straight to bed.
Trashley, smiling broadly, runs excitedly downstairs because she can hear a car pulling up in their drive.
Awl done.
Holy shit, that was a work of art.
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