Having just one child? Your thoughts?

[Shameless]

Hello!

Are there any of you out there who decided from the get go that you would only have one child?

I am no where near the stage of life to be having children yet, but this is a thought that crosses my mind all the time.

The main reason being (please don't kill me for this guys) because when I observe people who are currently growing their families, life seems all fine and dandy with one child and then when they have a second baby life just seems to get so much more chaotic, and not necessarily in a good way.

Maybe I'm just observing the wrong people, but I can totally see the appeal in having a baby, but the appeal seems to disappear for me when it comes to having more than one kid.

It just seems like there is.. I don't know, so much less time in the day? So much more attention that needs to be given? So much more 'stuff' to do. Maybe I'm just selfish?

And then I think about trying to raise teenagers.

Maybe some of this comes from the fact that it is unlikely that I would be able to be a SAHM for any longer than a couple of years…unless I had a husband who was really cashed up. But even then, I'm not sure I'm about that life.

I know that my mind might change when the time comes, I might end up with twins, or no kids at all, blah blah blah.

So what are your thoughts?
Is there a downside to having an only child?
What has your experience been?
Have you found there to be a significant increase in the workload between having just one and then having another?
Do you just adapt and get on with it and it all ends up okay in the long run?
Does anyone 'regret' having a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc? (please don't kill me)
At what point was the parenting workload at it's highest?

[MamaJoAnna]

In every little "sub-family" within my dad's side of the family - except my grandparents and us - everyone has had one child. My grandparents had my dad & uncle (twins) and then my aunt. My dad had me, my uncle had my first cousin, and my aunt had my other cousin. My husband and I don't have kids yet, but I'd be happy if I could just have a damn BFP on a test at this point and my cousins are 17 and 1 1/2 so no kids for them hopefully any time soon (esp the 17 year old lol). My dad/uncle/aunt are all pretty happy with just one right now, but I'm unsure if my aunt wants another one or not. My husband wants FOUR and we're getting a bit old for four at this point so I settled him down to two.

[whatsername_]

I'm the second child in my family. My SO and I are planning to have 3 of our own and in a perfect world, we'd like to adopt 2 more. So 5.

But I made it very clear, if my pregnancy and/or my labor and delivery is horrible, this would be our only one.
My cousin, who I'm very close to, had a horrific delivery with her first. Uterine rupture, blood transfusions, emergency c section, everything that could possible go wrong. Baby was healthy, but it scared me. If it comes down to it, this may be our only one. Who knows?

[BlazeMercy]

I grew up an only child seeing as my half siblings were 13+ years older then me. I was the only child from my mom and dad living in the home. I missed out of having a sibling and always wanted one. DH and I wanted 3-4 kids. We had 3 and after
I had a delivery go very very wrong that almost killed me and left me in the ICU so we stopped at 3 and are fine with that number. Our life got busier with each kid but I wouldn't say chaotic by any means and I don't regret adding more kids. In fact adding #2, and #3 was easier then adding #1 for us. We sort of knew what to do and expect which made it easier for us. I do have the luxury to be a SAHM though. I'm not sure how many kids we would have if I had to work due to day care costs. It's very expensive in this area. We have discussed as our kids get older maybe looking into fostering or possibly adopting 5-10 years from now.

[ladybug]

Me!!! I only wanted ONE child for 6 years then when decided we would try for another. I had so many reasons for only wanting one, mostly financial and giving our son the best life possible. Our son is in private school that goes to 8th grade and having 2 in at once is out of the question. I'm probably going to end up homeschooling our daughter until he finishes middle school there.

But, it has been the best!! I was sooo nervous because he had been an only child for so long and I'd panic towards the end of my pregnancy. But I'm really happy now and their relationship is the SWEETEST!! It makes me honestly want more. Seeing my son as an older brother melts my heart and I think it helps him in a way.

In a perfect world I would have had 2 boys then 2 girls.

[blackbetty]

I was gonna only have one til I got pregnant with #2 lol now I want 3... And four if I can afford it.

[tieruhhlynn]

Well personally I have one child and I kind of want to keep it that way. I love being able to fully focus on him and give him everything he wants/needs. Maybea long time down the road I may have a 2nd child, but that's a huge MAYBE. Honestly I'd be perfectly content with my little Harley bug. I don't see an issue at all with having one child. I feel like if that's what works for you than that's great. If you want a large family and you can support them then that's great too! But I'm only 19 and one seems like a pretty good number to me. Especially seeing all of these teen moms struggling with as many as they have.

[thegooseiscooked]

We thought we would only have one for a while because it took us 2 years to conceive our daughter. IVF was definitely not for us and it wasn't happening.

Well, in the end we had 2 but I had certainly made my peace with having an only child. I quite often think about how different life would have been. Probably easier financially. Meh...it's only money at the end of the day. I can't bear thinking about not knowing my daughter.

BUT, that's me, not you. If you are happy to only have one and your partner is happy with that, then do it. It is easy with 1. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard learning to cope with a baby and lack of sleep and having someone constantly dependant on you but I do think it would be fantastic to be able to put the best of everything you have into raising one child.

My daughter's best friend is an only child. She is perfectly happy and fine. And as cake said, she does every after school activity under the sun, has a huge bedroom and bathroom to herself, 2 dogs and travels constantly. No messy, smelly annoying brother. My daughter LOVES going to stay the night over there.

[LizLee30]

I'm an only child and I love it.

Because I was raised by a single parent, had I had any siblings I wouldn't have been able to do half the things I did growing up. I was privately educated from K-12, went on every school trip, tried several sports and had my first year of university paid in full for me. We lived in a nice house in a beautiful suburb on Sydney's North Shore, went skiing every year etc. I wasn't particularly spoiled with material things but I was spoiled with opportunities. The private education was the biggest thing.

I'd be more than happy to only have one child. I'd never have more than two.

[briannaspeaks]

I have one child right now and she's 3.5 years old and as of right now it's looking like she may be an only child.

When I was a younger and even right after my daughter was born I wanted 2-3 children and so did my significant other. He wanted them close in age (1-2 years apart) but I didn't. Because we weren't financially stable up until a couple years ago we never even humored the idea of having another anytime soon because... we technically couldn't afford it.

Now that our daughter is much easier than an infant (is potty trained, doesn't really have meltdowns, can communicate and understands well), we really don't want another one. The idea of a 3rd child has gone out the window and a 2nd is still 50/50.

I come from a family of 4 and all my siblings are 5-6 years apart... ages 23,17,12,7. And my significant other came from a family of 5. That being said we indeed don't want a large family.

Personally I like the idea of an only child. My mother is an only child though and she hated it... but my grandmother had her reasons. I financially only need to worry about one child. 1 college fund, 1 car, 1 computer, 1 phone, 1 child to throw a birthday party for... where as my family had to think of 4 children at one point which could be hard for some.

Of course I can change in due time and as can you or anyone else.
Also I think if you really want a child (1st, 2nd.. 5th) you'll have this feeling that you're just not done having children. For instance, my brother in law and his wife just had their first, she's 7 months old. And he is SO eager to have another, he's just waiting for the right age gap. Where as I don't get that feeling. I don't get eager to have another one or excited for when we'll start trying. That feelings just isn't there ...and that's the main reason I don't want a 2nd.

[Shameless]

Personally I like the idea of an only child. My mother is an only child though and she hated it... but my grandmother had her reasons. I financially only need to worry about one child. 1 college fund, 1 car, 1 computer, 1 phone, 1 child to throw a birthday party for... where as my family had to think of 4 children at one point which could be hard for some.

Of course I can change in due time and as can you or anyone else.
Also I think if you really want a child (1st, 2nd.. 5th) you'll have this feeling that you're just not done having children. For instance, my brother in law and his wife just had their first, she's 7 months old. And he is SO eager to have another, he's just waiting for the right age gap. Where as I don't get that feeling. I don't get eager to have another one or excited for when we'll start trying. That feelings just isn't there ...and that's the main reason I don't want a 2nd.

I totally get what you mean with the only having 1 of everything to deal with.

I think a lot of my feelings for only wanting to have one kid come from my own upbringing. I have one sister who is 5 years younger than me, I wouldn't say she has single-handedly ruined my life, but there is no doubt that she has been an evil little shit since the day she was born. We did play together a little bit when we were younger, but we have never been "close" as sisters. She treats me (and my mother) like dirt, does not appreciate a single thing that is done for her, etc. A lot of people say that you will get along with your siblings once you grow up and no longer live in the same house, but I honestly don't see that happening with us. I have never got along with her and never will. So I see no merit in the whole 'it's nice to have a sibling' thing.

I'm still very early in my career, working part-time, about to start college and all of that, but I really worry about finances. I want to be able to send my kid to a private school, a very good high school and then I want to be able to pay for them to go to university if they choose to take that route. I want to give my future child everything that I missed out on. My parents weren't exactly poor, but they definitely didn't value education and 'proper' parenting methods. I never had much as a kid, especially as far as material possessions, which would probably be considered a good thing, but I never want my own kid to look through their wardrobe and have nothing to wear to a school disco (or other outing) because all they own is either school uniforms or old hand me downs that have been ruined from playing in the dirt. I don't want to raise my kid the way they raised me. That is my main driving factor. If I have to have only one child in order to be able to do this, then I am more than willing to make that sacrifice.

[sleep84]

I hear this a lot among mothers who have more than 2 kids. Like...oh you're selfish so you don't want to give up your fun..yadda yadda. Usually from people who are very privileged job wise and financially wise. I've seen only children growing up happy as pie because they had enough means to live with serenity, had serene parents, didn't lack money for extra activities like movies, books, swimmingpool, guitar lessons etc.
Some of those only kids though say: oh I miss having siblings (I respect that) except that sometimes those people say it to those who want just one child, like : "but your kid WANTS a little brother or a sister" Uhm...who says??

At the end of the day it's a very intimate decision, but maybe this needs to be said: there are no guarantees that having siblings is going to be "good".
I had kind of the worst of the 2 situations, my sister is HORRIBLE. I dreamed of one of those "Little Women" kind of situations, - I could just keep dreaming - I love the idea of siblings, sisters, brothers (that I don't have) except that the sister that I got...... an awful, loud, rude, irresponsible, selfish, yelling, prevaricative, passive-aggressive bi-- .. person.
On top of the fact that my family situation was not the best, with 2 kids the money summed up to a big full ZERO.

So I guess that my 2 cents are, in general, people should stop saying that having siblings it's the most important thing on the planet and it's always worth the money that you spend to have another child, instead of doing other things (like dentist maybe? )

Just for the sake of talking (I have no kids) I did see the difference in many of my friends with kids.
With the 2nd child the fatigue hit them like a ton of bricks.
Mostly though, those who didn't wait more than a couple of years to have the second had big issues and less quality of life.... the others were even really really fine and overjoyed (like 5-6 yrs of distance).

The support system is another thing that changes things A LOT. If MIL plus MOMMY are at your beck-and-call to babysit when you need to do your stuff or a little bit of alone time...well, you have it easy. With zero support system and the 2nd child close in age with the first, it's definitely really hard.

[old_soul_here]

I currently have one, am trying very hard for a second, for a long time I had planned on mr3 being an only child. My exhusband and I split up very early on his life, and we had always planned to have to give him the best start in life. However, my partner and I feel our family isn't done yet, and would like another. Having just finished my doula training and my childbirth educator training has had a huge effect on this as now we can afford a second child, as well as wanting to do things a bit different this time around. We have mr3 full time, and I have a very special bond with him, as does his step dad.
TO be honest if it wasn't for my history of fertility issues we probably wouldn't be trying so early on, but yeah.
I think its very much a personal decision and what is right for your family. I was raised an only child with a half sister who was adopted out and thats what fit for my parents, however I felt very lonely it wasn't until I had mr3 that I understood why Mum and Dad only had me.

[Shameless]

this is a really interesting thread. also refreshing among all the moms just popping kids out. I mean it's fine if you can have a large family if you can afford it. but giving your all to one or two children is great too. people like Jess and Lucy will never be able to give their kids what an only child could have. it's just facts. unless they were swimming in money, those kinds of families will be able to do minimal activities each, probably share bedrooms, and take minimal vacations. which is FINE if that's how you want it.

Thanks for your reply.

Over time, I have come to accept the fact that anything I want to do in life is going to have to come as a result of my own hard work and dedication, and no one else is going to do it for me or hand it to me. Allow me to elaborate: I don't think I'll find a 'rich enough' (lol what?) husband that would give me the option of staying at home and popping out as many kids as I so desired and not having to ever really work. I have missed the boat as far as that life is concerned. It's just not what people do any more, unless you're religious, which is extremely rare in Australia, and I am not religious.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel especially jealous when I watch women on Youtube who got married at the age of 20 to husbands that were not necessarily 'rich', but the types who have good jobs and value babies and family life, and then they pop out a couple of kids. And then the mother stays at home, and her life is all breastfeeding and cloth diapers and home made baby food. I wanted that life for myself, but I don't think I will ever get it. If I ever even manage to find a husband and have a kid/s, my life will be packed lunches and daycares and speeding to get home at night and cooking basic dinners and shoving my kid in the bath and then into bed and then my husband will get home after it's all said and done.

I am okay with this, I have accepted this. But it was a hard pill to swallow.

[Emcee]

This is an interesting thread. I am an only child, I'm not exactly sure why my parents decided to not give me any siblings. But, I absolutely loved being an only child. I wasn't lonely, I had a lot of cousins I would visit in a regular basis, but it was always nice to have those days where I had my parents all to myself and everything was about me. I know a lot of people think that only children become selfish, spoiled, and ungrateful; but that wasn't the case with me. I think I'm just a little too emotionally needy at times, my husband could definitely agree.
As for me, my son is now 3.5 years old and at this point we aren't in a rush to have any children we are enjoying our son as much as we can.
My husband wants us to have 5 kids (he comes from a big family), but I would be happy with one. So we have agreed to meet in the middle and have 2, maybe 3 but not anytime soon. And, that of course is if it's financially possible for us.

[Shameless]

This is an interesting thread. I am an only child, I'm not exactly sure why my parents decided to not give me any siblings. But, I absolutely loved being an only child. I wasn't lonely, I had a lot of cousins I would visit in a regular basis, but it was always nice to have those days where I had my parents all to myself and everything was about me. I know a lot of people think that only children become selfish, spoiled, and ungrateful; but that wasn't the case with me. I think I'm just a little too emotionally needy at times, my husband could definitely agree.

Oh holy heck I wish I was an only child. I agree with you, I don't think only children automatically make for selfish brats. I know a few only children, one is definitely a spoiled, selfish brat, the other one is pretty dang normal. It's more in how how the child is raised than just the fact that they are an only child, I think.

[tieruhhlynn]

After reading these posts I've officially become #team1anddone... at least for now lol maybe in 10 years I'll think about it haha but coming from a big family of 7 siblings and 2 step sisters, I want my son to experience more than I ever did.

[Shameless]

you're totally right. I know plenty of people who grew up spoiled brats and they had siblings. my cousins/aunt and uncle are a family of 6 and the kids(normally a favorite one) get elaborate presents and things like that. they don't have to buy anything themselves and they've become very entitled. I have two friends I grew up with and one of them is fairly normal, pays for things herself and the other (second year in college) expects everything to be paid for. her mom asked her to help with gas in her OWN car and she flat out said no. I would have laughed in her face but her mom let's her get away with it.

God I can't stand people who let their kids get away with everything or just buy them stuff for no apparent reason/when the kid doesn't deserve it/hasn't worked for it.

I am all for buying your kids stuff if you can afford it, for example a car or paying for college. But why not add some conditions to let you kid know that they aren't going to get everything they want without having to work for it?

One thing I am definitely going to do with my own kids is match a percentage, say dollar for dollar, on the amount that they can save for themselves for a car. Or have them pay for college upfront and I will pay them back every semester that they maintain over a certain grade. Stuff like that.

[LizLee30]

Yep, being an only child doesn't equate to being spoiled. I have consistently had at least one job since I was 14. In my last year of high school, I was working two jobs whilst at school full-time and still managed to get a high enough ATAR to get into Law.

I bought my own car, I have always paid for the petrol for it, as well as for its registration and services etc. I'm 20 now and still some of my friends expect their parents to buy everything for them. They don't pay for anything for themselves. They have no idea how to save money and have no respect for the value of it. That's spoiled.

I will admit that I didn't as a child, and still don't, particularly like sharing my things with other people. I have obviously gotten better about it and my care factor is in the negatives when it comes to my little cousins touching my things, but I think there was always a paranoia associated with sharing, like "what if they break it?" because I've always taken enormous pride in the things I own. My clothes were always immaculate, my room was always spotless, my toys were always in perfect condition and I feared someone coming in and ruining them. I don't know if that's got anything to do with being an only child or whether it's just my personality. Probably a combination of both.

[LizLee30]

that's do weird because I was the EXACT way with sharing and keeping things clean. I have recently been selling my childhood toys and i have every single piece to nearly every toy I had. I never lost pieces and kept my dolls in amazing condition. when I got a puppy I didn't want anyone touching her for fear of them hurting her. I was straight paranoid because I wasn't used to just having a community pile of toys. but it's not like at daycare I screamed if I had to share. that was fine. so weird were so similar like that!

Exactly! I'm glad someone else can relate because most people assume I was just a spoilt brat, but that wasn't it at all!