Have you ever had a crazy ex?

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Because I have a crazy ex, and it's kind of ruining my life. And I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this in the safest way possible?

I've posted a bit about my situation on the GaebAndJesss thread but here's some back story: I met this guy in 2010, love at first sight, he moved in with me after only a couple of weeks of knowing him. When we met he was on multiple anti-psychotic and mood stabilizing medications (he's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was receiving treatment for that) and he was amazing. Then, he went off his meds against his doctor's advice as soon as he moved in and all hell broke loose. He became very abusive- mentally and physically. He was also abusing alcohol so he was really out of control. When things were good things were great, but when things were bad it was like living in a horror movie. He was arrested in April 2011 for aggravated assault (I was the victim) and I STUPIDLY believed his apologies and figured out a way to get him out of jail after just 5 days and get the charges dropped. In August 2011 he nearly killed me, the police were called but they didn't arrest him. Basically they said it was my word vs. his (even though there was physical evidence such as bruises all over me and duct tape residue on my skin and clothes from when he tied me up, but because I had gotten his charges dropped before they were not willing to help me again). Because he was not on the lease the management of my apartment complex did have the police remove him for trespassing, so at least I had that. That was the last time I saw him.

He ended up moving to the other side of the country to live with his brother and I STUPIDLY was still in love with him. We tried to maintain a long distance relationship, we would talk about me saving money and moving out there to be with him, getting married like we had talked about, etc. But he was still very unstable. In one conversation he would tell me I'm amazing and a good woman for always standing by him, then literally 5 minutes later he would start yelling and cursing at me. He lied to me for over a year about being diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and only having 2 years to live just to try to guilt me into staying with him. I tried to break up with him many times, but I was very codependent and stuck in the abuse cycle and it took me another year and some change before I finally ended things for good. In January 2013 I wrote him an email asking him not to contact me anymore, I also texted his brother letting him know that if my ex contacted me again I would have to get another order of protection (he used to use his brother's phone to call me).

So I have moved on- completely, 100%. I've since joined a support group, I've talked with counselors, I've read self-help books and educated myself on domestic violence and I am truly a changed woman. Great, right? Except my ex is still obsessed with me and now I am fearing for my life.

Every few months he emails me. Nothing threatening, just telling me he misses me and he loves me and he wants to talk. I've spoken with the police about this but they say that because he is not making any overt threats, there is nothing they can do. It scares me because it shows me that he is still fixated on me even after 2+ years of no contact and 3.5+ years of not even having seen each other. Not only is he diagnosed with a mental illness but I am 90% sure he's also a sociopath. He has tried to murder me in the past. I am terrified that one day he is going to hop in his car, drive across the country, and show up at my doorstep. Actually he tried to do just that in September 2012, thank God I knew he was coming so I was able to have the police intervene and stop him. I have spoken with a domestic violence organization about what to do when he emails me, I have been ignoring them like they advised but now things are escalating. Last week he made an account at my job (I work online) in order to talk to me. I blocked him, so of course she sent me multiple emails asking me to talk, which I ignored. This morning I woke up to another email from him saying he loves me and he wants me to reply to him. And I am terrified. I'm scared that if I keep ignoring him he will drive to my state to find me and put a bullet in my head. I am scared that if I engage with him it will encourage him and fuel is obsession, and obsession in abusers can be dangerous. Did you know that when it comes to domestic violence, more women are seriously injured and murdered after the relationship ends? It's called post separation violence and I do not want to be another statistic!

I am making plans to move out of state to an undisclosed location so that he has no idea where to find me, but I won't be able to move for another month and a half at the earliest (I need to save money to move first). I am literally afraid for my life. He is showing signs of escalating obsession and until I can move I am terrified of even leaving my house. I just want this to go away, I am at my wit's end and I don't know what to do. I made the mistake of falling for the wrong guy years ago, it feels so unfair that I am still paying for that mistake to this day. I wonder if I will ever feel safe again.

I guess I am just wondering if anyone here has been through a similar situation of having an abusive ex turn stalker. If so, how did you get things to stop, and do you consider yourself to be safe now? All of my family and friends are 2,000 miles away and the police in my city won't do shit so I feel super alone in this. My mother has asked me to send her all of the information I have on him- last known phone number, last known address, etc.- because she knows that if I am ever murdered, he's the one who did it and she promises me she will get justice for me. I am 29 years old, and an only child. I should not be having conversations with My Mother about what she will do if I am killed, but this is the situation I am in. More than one person in my family has prophesied that I will be dead before I am 30 and if things with my ex keep going the way they are, I truly believe that will happen.

[Godfather]

Geez, I had a crazy ex who turned out to be a guy, but nothing that was going to endanger my life. I feel like I shouldnt even respond because I dont think anything could get crazier than that. I wish you the best. (FYI - I have an Uncle who is an "Independent Contractor", so if you need some "contracting" done, let me know

Now, I know there will be questions about my "guy ex" but I dont know how graphic I can get in these forums without being reported, so I will skip that for now.

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Thank you for the support. The whole situation literally has me sick. I just want to feel safe again. I thought if you ignore someone for long enough they eventually give up and move on, but things seem to just be getting more intense so I don't even know.

[jrgold19]

I've never been in that position so I can't really say much, can you get a new email and delete that one so that he can't email you anymore? Can you move in with your parents so that you have them around and your feel safer until you maybe move to a new place?

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[maristrong]

What I suggest you to do, is to inform everyone around you about him. Start with a secret noise with a neighbor for example, in case he does shows us and you can't scream or call 911, something that your neighbors will recognize that you're in trouble. Also gather everything he has sends you and keep going to the police, at some point they will have to do something, try to get a restraining order against him to where he can't contact you at all, breach of a restraining order is jail time!!! Do the buddy system, walk,drive even get a roommate if possible, people like him usually don't act when theres another person around. My moms ex was crazy like this, he almost killed her several times, and I watched every single time. for 10 years she kept going back to him and till the is day I never understood why, But im glad that now he's out of our lives and we are finally happy.

[fossilfinger]

I am really worried about you. You definitely need to get that protective order and move out ASAP. I hope you can find peace of mind about this soon, and safety.

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Thank you everyone who has replied. I haven't blocked him from emailing me because I'm hoping he will slip up and say something threatening, which would make it more likely that the court would actually grant another order of protection. I will be moving out of state ASAP, just waiting on a couple more paychecks so I can book my airfare and rental deposits. Moving in with my parents is not an option. The buddy/neighbor system is a really good idea, if I have to stay here past next month I just might do that.

I actually recently contacted a domestic violence place for advice and they told me getting another order of protection can go either way. Like it could scare him enough to make him back off, or it could be the thing that sets him off the edge, makes him say "fuck it" and drive 2,000 miles out here to put a bullet in my head. Considering he is mentally ill and has threatened me with a murder/suicide before I'm scared it will just set him off and he will do something bad to me to punish me for getting him in trouble with the law. I'm trying to wait until the very last minute to file for an order so if he *does* want to get revenge on me, he'll still think I'm living in my current state and won't think to look for me elsewhere since the order will show that it's originated from my current state.

Maristrong, I am really glad you and your family are no longer in that situation. It is sort of incomprehensible why a woman will keep going back to a man who puts her in danger, but I was that woman so I get it. Now that I am more educated on this topic it's sort of fascinating to look back and pinpoint all of the mental tactics he used to get me into that victim cycle.

[jrgold19]

Let us know how u get on , have u considered changing your name before you move? Because when you move your address can still be looked up online, if you've change your name before you move then he won't be able to find your new address

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[ladybug]

I think getting the restraining order before moving from your state is a good idea!

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

Yep, I'll (hopefully, if the judge will issue another one) get a restraining order here so it shows this as the state of origin, then just file a copy at my new local police department.

I have definitely not considered changing my name, heh. Actually I have no idea what that process is even like, or how long it takes? I will be renting a place from a private owner and paying in cash so I hope it won't get traced back to me! I hadn't even considered that...

[jrgold19]

I think it night still be traced back if you rent, not sure how it all works in USA . over here u change your name by deed poll and it doesn't take long at all I don't think

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[jrgold19]

Also something else I just thought of. You said you work online, I know that the mods on this site can trace our IP address, there might be a chance that your ex can trace your IP address when you work online even if you do move. IP addresses locate the area that a person lives in.

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[ashley21]

I'd get out now but I understand waiting for money but if you're really that worried Id just take out a loan or some form of credit and move now. You can always pay it back later. Just a thought incase you haven't considered it.


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[ashley21]

100% get a room mate. There's also an app called aspire that Dr phils wife made and it's able to call the police I think secretly for you and contact your family and it looks like a news app. Can you move in with any cousins or any other relatives till you can get your own place? Keep somethig on you to protect you like a pocket knife or pepper spray too


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[jrgold19]

Thanks for chipping in, because I wasn't 100% sure how it works!

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[Greys Encyclopedia]

100% get a room mate. There's also an app called aspire that Dr phils wife made and it's able to call the police I think secretly for you and contact your family and it looks like a news app. Can you move in with any cousins or any other relatives till you can get your own place? Keep somethig on you to protect you like a pocket knife or pepper spray too


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I was going to say something about that app. I downloaded it (just to check it out for possible future situations) and it's awesome! It'll show you how to set it up and everything when you download it but you can set up emergency numbers and it has a "code/action" to discreetly notify those on the list.

I highly recommend it for your situation if anything were to happen.

Good luck on this and I hope you can get out of this unimaginable situation!

[jrgold19]

Hahaha

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[jrgold19]

I think it would be pointless to move without changing your name, as like I said before he can still look your name up and find your address. A lot of my friends rent privately and I can still see their address online even though it's rented

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[HeavenOnlyKnows]

I want that app so bad, but I don't have a smartphone But I've seen it on Dr. Phil and it looks amazing.

Things are escalating terribly. He has gone from emailing once every few months to now 5 emails in the last 13 days. I feel like things are coming to a breaking point and I am so scared that ignoring him is just making him more fixated. It's 1am but I'm going to call another DV hotline again tomorrow when they open and get some expert advice on whether no contact is the safest plan in this situation. So far it doesn't feel like it's working.

As for tracking down addresses and IPs, I paid rent at my previous apartment in cash for 4 years. When I would google my address I never found it, but it still shows up in official databases because I disclosed my address to my employer and when filing my taxes. I don't know if he would have access to those databases without paying a fee, and I believe he would have to at least know what state I am in to do a search. I'm going somewhere random where he would never think to look and I have a fairly common name so I'm hoping that would be enough to keep him off my trail. I am going to ask the DV counselor about a name change, if they advise it I will absolutely do it. I love my name and I don't want to change it but I've already picked out a new one if it comes down to that.

As far IPs I think I am safe with my job, to the best of my knowledge only administrators can view IPs. In theory he could buy somewhat expensive software and do a LOT of scary things in terms of hacking my computer remotely. Kind of terrifying to think about, actually.

To whoever is reading this, if you are with someone who shows signs of abusive tendencies, I implore you, END IT NOW. The longer you are with the person the harder it is to leave, and the more likely they are to snap. I was only physically with this guy for LESS THAN A YEAR, and even though we have not even lived in the same state in over 3.5 years and he hasn't heard from me in more than 2 he is STILL whacked out obsessed. I wouldn't wish the terror I live with every single day on anyone, no one deserves to live like I am living and the sooner you get out, the better your chance of being healthy, happy, and safe. I know I sound like a public service announcement but if I knew then what I know now I may not have ended up where I am now, fleeing the state and possibly having to give up my identity just so a sociopath ex can't track me down and follow through on the murder/suicide he threatened me with.

[jrgold19]

I think our addresses online in the UK come from the electoroll roll (voting)

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