I'm 21 but my mom treats me like I'm 13

[EleanorRigby]

This is going to be more of a vent than asking for advise. But I really need to get this off my chest.

So as you know I'm 21. I live at home with my mom, step-dad, and youngest sister. The rest of my siblings have moved out. I'm in university full time, I work part time, I have a bf.. Etc.

So last weekend my mom decided she was going to clean my room for me. Now I will tell you honestly my room wasn't that bad. I made a genuine effort to keep it clean. It was majorly cluttered but that's about it. Anyways she decided to rip out the carpet, move shit around, throw stuff away, and so on. ALL WHILE I WAS AT WORK. Obviously I protested this, because it feels like a huge invasion of privacy to me. I am capable of cleaning my own room. And not only that I just didn't want her in my room going through my personal belongings when I wasn't there. Is that fair??

Well that all got done and I was just like whatever at least my room is sparkly clean. Now she thinks she has open invitation to come into my room whether I'm there or not. This morning she texted me (I was at my boyfriends) telling me to keep my shoes off the floor and I'm not allowed to have food in my room now because I had a half full bag of sunflower seeds by my bed. Which I had been eating, obviously. -_- The other day I ran to the gas station and she and my step-dad waited all night until I left to go up and install curtains.

No I don't pay rent. Before you get all "be thankful your mom cleaned your room", my mom told me I could live rent free until I graduate college. And I mean.. Would you be okay with this? Honestly? And I don't even have anything to hide from her. I just want privacy and to be treated like the 21 year old adult I supposedly am. I literally feel like I'm 14 again. She used to do shit like this to me ALL THE TIME.

The one morning I was in my room getting ready for work and she comes in and starts tearing up carpet. When I asked her to leave she wouldn't and I got so upset that I cried. Because I felt so powerless. Like I'm in my own room, the one place in the world that is my own space. And she waltzes in doing whatever she wants when I'm RIGHT THERE then she made fun of me for crying.

Short of moving out (which I can't afford) I don't know what to do. I've tried telling her honestly how I feel and she is just bitchy back.

[fossilfinger]

I can relate to you. I lived with my parents until I was 25 (although I moved out to go to college out of state and then to do an internship, but still lived with them for a little under two years after that), and they treated me like a child and still do to some extent. They don't want me to go places on my own, they have made me text them when I've driven the ten minutes from their house to mine, saying they are worried about me. But they don't make my younger brother do any of this, so it's because I'm a female. They also threw away/misplaced everything I got in the mail when I lived at their house, even when I begged them to either let me check the mail or to put the mail in a special place for me, they never did it. Even if an adult is living at home, they deserve to be treated like an adult unless they do something to make their parents distrust them. One of my friends lived at home until she was 28 and her mother wouldn't even let her dye her hair...like, WTF?

[EleanorRigby]

I can relate to you. I lived with my parents until I was 25 (although I moved out to go to college out of state and then to do an internship, but still lived with them for a little under two years after that), and they treated me like a child and still do to some extent. They don't want me to go places on my own, they have made me text them when I've driven the ten minutes from their house to mine, saying they are worried about me. But they don't make my younger brother do any of this, so it's because I'm a female. They also threw away/misplaced everything I got in the mail when I lived at their house, even when I begged them to either let me check the mail or to put the mail in a special place for me, they never did it. Even if an adult is living at home, they deserve to be treated like an adult unless they do something to make their parents distrust them. One of my friends lived at home until she was 28 and her mother wouldn't even let her dye her hair...like, WTF?

Wow! How on earth did you deal with that? It's the same with me too. She's not like this with my other siblings. I don't get it. I know they are thinking, "my house my rules" but that doesn't mean we should be treated anything less than like our age. I haven't done anything to make my parents not trust me. I am just a typical college student. Actually not even because I don't even drink alcohol. If she had been like this with my other siblings I might be a little less upset by it. I tried asking her if at 21 she would appreciate her parents doing what she's doing and she ignored me. Probably because she moved put at 18 to get away from her controlling parents and now look at what she's doing to me.

[Queenie135]

Well, I'm only 19, but I had the same sort of situation.. My mom was always in my room just because she could be! She would go while I was working (and I had long shifts like 7am-9pm). She would text random things that she shouldn't have had any knowledge about to me. One time she went through a gift I got from my SO! I ended up buying a doorknob that required a key to unlock from the outside. Although I didn't pay rent either, I told my mom that I've proven my responsibility and didn't deserve to have my privacy invaded. I put the old doorknob back when I moved out.

[EleanorRigby]

Well, I'm only 19, but I had the same sort of situation.. My mom was always in my room just because she could be! She would go while I was working (and I had long shifts like 7am-9pm). She would text random things that she shouldn't have had any knowledge about to me. One time she went through a gift I got from my SO! I ended up buying a doorknob that required a key to unlock from the outside. Although I didn't pay rent either, I told my mom that I've proven my responsibility and didn't deserve to have my privacy invaded. I put the old doorknob back when I moved out.

I think once you're over 18, just like you said, if you prove your responsibility you deserve your privacy. It's ridiculous that your mom did that! Do they not remember being our age? The lock is such a good idea. But there's no way it would fly with my step-dad. He would lose his shit because it's "his" house. Plus my dog sleeps in my room and he'd need to get in when I'm not home. Ugh.

[Queenie135]

Well, I'm only 19, but I had the same sort of situation.. My mom was always in my room just because she could be! She would go while I was working (and I had long shifts like 7am-9pm). She would text random things that she shouldn't have had any knowledge about to me. One time she went through a gift I got from my SO! I ended up buying a doorknob that required a key to unlock from the outside. Although I didn't pay rent either, I told my mom that I've proven my responsibility and didn't deserve to have my privacy invaded. I put the old doorknob back when I moved out.

I think once you're over 18, just like you said, if you prove your responsibility you deserve your privacy. It's ridiculous that your mom did that! Do they not remember being our age? The lock is such a good idea. But there's no way it would fly with my step-dad. He would lose his shit because it's "his" house. Plus my dog sleeps in my room and he'd need to get in when I'm not home. Ugh.

It sounds like they are just purposely trying to get you riled up :/ maybe you should take it as an invitation to go in their room I mean, you're all adults and maybe they need to know how annoying and invasive it is.

[EleanorRigby]

I just asked her: Would you have appreciated this when you were my age? and she said yes. okay mom. It's like talking to a brick wall. Then she told me to stop talking to my sister about it. Apparently my sister ran and tattled on me. She's 19.

I'm going to lose it!

[gypsophila]

Well, you won't like what I'm going to say.

It's her house, not yours. You don't pay rent, even if it's by agreement. If you don't want the intrusions, and if simply telling her that doesn't work, then move out. Work full time and go to school full time. Otherwise, have an adult talk with her, and tell her that you appreciate that she did some cleaning and redecorating (curtains?), but that you'd prefer she discuss things with you first, so you can be part of the activities. As in, you will clean up and help do the improvements, so you're offering a solution that is less intrusive to you and actually still goes along with her wishes. Make sense?

[EleanorRigby]

Well, you won't like what I'm going to say.

It's her house, not yours. You don't pay rent, even if it's by agreement. If you don't want the intrusions, and if simply telling her that doesn't work, then move out. Work full time and go to school full time. Otherwise, have an adult talk with her, and tell her that you appreciate that she did some cleaning and redecorating (curtains?), but that you'd prefer she discuss things with you first, so you can be part of the activities. As in, you will clean up and help do the improvements, so you're offering a solution that is less intrusive to you and actually still goes along with her wishes. Make sense?

It does make sense. And I appreciate your input because I know you have children that are older. Correct me if I'm wrong!

I offered to do it myself or and pleaded with her to wait until I was home. Honestly what bothers me more than anything is how she treats me compared to my siblings. Gypso, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart I am not a bad kid. I'm not perfect. But I'm not as horrible as she acts. She just told me she and my step-dad have zero respect for me. That hurt really bad! She has always been much harder on me than my siblings and I don't know why. For example my older brother just moved out and he's 26. He stole money from her all the time and was constantly coked up at home. But she continues to coddle him and give him money. My younger sister went through this huge rebel phase and was caught with drugs in the house and they never did anything about it. I hate to compare but it's hard not to. I'm so upset right now so I'm sorry if this didn't make any sense.

[gypsophila]

I do feel really bad for you. Honestly, that's why I suggested you moving out. That's the only way things will ever be on your terms. Do you have a countdown? Is it a year, how long? Can you apply for funding/living expenses? Honestly, it's up to you. You are an adult, and right now you are stuck with their house rules and their views because you are forced to live there. It's a bad situation. I don't see much point in getting into arguments with them, or being led into arguments, because they have all the power. I don't think you're a bad kid or anything. But you are old enough to leave if you want to, it's just a matter of making it happen.

If you have to stay, then take the path of least resistance. Just agree to whatever, and continue your countdown. She wants your room spotless, make sure it is. Hide or lock up anything you want to keep private. Give them nothing to argue about and just agree to things. I know it sucks, but you're getting out and you have a timeline. Don't take it personally, or feel that they love a sibling more. It's probably something else altogether, or just that they want the house to themselves, or that they have stress they have no outlet for right now. After you move out, then everything will be on your terms. If they make you feel crappy, don't visit, don't invite them over, just let them be alone.

Do your life on your terms. You only have one chance at it.

[EleanorRigby]

I do feel really bad for you. Honestly, that's why I suggested you moving out. That's the only way things will ever be on your terms. Do you have a countdown? Is it a year, how long? Can you apply for funding/living expenses? Honestly, it's up to you. You are an adult, and right now you are stuck with their house rules and their views because you are forced to live there. It's a bad situation. I don't see much point in getting into arguments with them, or being led into arguments, because they have all the power. I don't think you're a bad kid or anything. But you are old enough to leave if you want to, it's just a matter of making it happen.

If you have to stay, then take the path of least resistance. Just agree to whatever, and continue your countdown. She wants your room spotless, make sure it is. Hide or lock up anything you want to keep private. Give them nothing to argue about and just agree to things. I know it sucks, but you're getting out and you have a timeline. Don't take it personally, or feel that they love a sibling more. It's probably something else altogether, or just that they want the house to themselves, or that they have stress they have no outlet for right now. After you move out, then everything will be on your terms. If they make you feel crappy, don't visit, don't invite them over, just let them be alone.

Do your life on your terms. You only have one chance at it.

Oh you're gonna make me cry!

I have about a year and a half left of school. But even when I finish I can't imagine I'll have a job that pays well enough that I'll be able to move out very quickly. Sometimes it feels like no matter what I do it's not good enough. Like if I were to start doing "more" and keeping my room spotless or whatever, she's find something else to harp about. I will do that though. What can it hurt right?

It's so hard not to take it personal. It feels really personal. I asked her earlier if she resents me because I was my dad's favorite and he spoiled me rotten (she HATED him so much). That's when she asked how she's hard on me, and went on about how she moved out right when she turned 18 and worked 2 jobs blah blah blah. She completely avoided my question. She has been like this towards me since he left. That's the only explanation I can think. Like of all the bad things I could be doing you'd think the fact my room isn't perfect wouldn't be a big deal. I dunno anymore.

Not really important but my mom, my sisters and I had plans to go shopping tonight. She told me they weren't going then went without me. God my family is so charming.

[EleanorRigby]

I'm used to all of that by now but I'm incredibly hurt that I confided in my sister and she went and told my mom, who then ordered me to stop talking to my sister about it. Thanks sis

[gypsophila]

It might be that she resents you because you were your dad's favourite. She may not realize why she's doing it. Can you ask her about it? I know it hurts, and I feel so badly for you. I'm kind of a tough love person, and I believe that you have to just do what you can to survive each day and have a plan for the future. A year and a half, okay. Can you maybe move in with a few people, so your share isn't as much? Can you get any gov't aid?

Can you calmly discuss things with her?

I feel llike if you could show her that you can be independent, and do your own thing successfully, that she wouldn't bother with you as much. You work and go to school. Do you have chores around the house? Just try to stay calm and not overthink it. If you keep your space clean and don't ask for anything, maybe she'll start to come around. Maybe not, but if you don't leave her with anything to argue about then she's going to look like an ass just railing on you for nothing. So I don't think she would. Take away the ammunition and plan, plan, plan how you're going to move out. Do well in school. This is a short period of your life, and yes, it absolutely sucks, but things are going to get better. Not necessarily easier, but better. Your reward is living out on your own and supporting yourself. You're going to have that freedom. It's all a lot to ask, I know, but you'll be so much stronger for achieving your goals in the end.

[RubyRed]

I can relate to you. I lived with my parents until I was 25 (although I moved out to go to college out of state and then to do an internship, but still lived with them for a little under two years after that), and they treated me like a child and still do to some extent. They don't want me to go places on my own, they have made me text them when I've driven the ten minutes from their house to mine, saying they are worried about me. But they don't make my younger brother do any of this, so it's because I'm a female. They also threw away/misplaced everything I got in the mail when I lived at their house, even when I begged them to either let me check the mail or to put the mail in a special place for me, they never did it. Even if an adult is living at home, they deserve to be treated like an adult unless they do something to make their parents distrust them. One of my friends lived at home until she was 28 and her mother wouldn't even let her dye her hair...like, WTF?

I totally feel you there. I'm 24, will be 25 this year. I finished university and am just finishing up a post grad program at college. My parents open my mail "by accident" pretty frequently. I had to request that my bank stop sending me anything in the mail and make everything electronic so that my parents would stop opening my visa bills. (For the record, I've had a VISA card since I was 18 and have paid it off in full, every time, since I got it. There is nothing for them to be concerned about, they're just super nosy.)

[ajb]

I can relate to you. I lived with my parents until I was 25 (although I moved out to go to college out of state and then to do an internship, but still lived with them for a little under two years after that), and they treated me like a child and still do to some extent. They don't want me to go places on my own, they have made me text them when I've driven the ten minutes from their house to mine, saying they are worried about me. But they don't make my younger brother do any of this, so it's because I'm a female. They also threw away/misplaced everything I got in the mail when I lived at their house, even when I begged them to either let me check the mail or to put the mail in a special place for me, they never did it. Even if an adult is living at home, they deserve to be treated like an adult unless they do something to make their parents distrust them. One of my friends lived at home until she was 28 and her mother wouldn't even let her dye her hair...like, WTF?

I totally feel you there. I'm 24, will be 25 this year. I finished university and am just finishing up a post grad program at college. My parents open my mail "by accident" pretty frequently. I had to request that my bank stop sending me anything in the mail and make everything electronic so that my parents would stop opening my visa bills. (For the record, I've had a VISA card since I was 18 and have paid it off in full, every time, since I got it. There is nothing for them to be concerned about, they're just super nosy.)

I'm 20 and I had to do this too!! Request my statements to be electronic because my mum would read them every single time. And she would check what I buy and see if I'm buying smokes etc (buying smokes in NZ is legal for 18+). So bloody frustrating.

[Yue195]

God I feel like I got lucky with my folks, they just leave me too it and respect my privacy. My parents have never searched my room without asking me if they could. And as far they are concerned my room is also MY responsibility to keep tidy and move around. Not theirs.

My only suggestion is to remind them yes, you are their child and live in their home, but your an adult as well and you deserve your privacy. It may be there house but barging in and messing with everything seems like an invasion of disrespect. How would they feel if you just went into their room and messed with their circle of order.

It's a pickle of a situation, your mum does care and love you, but it doesn't sound like she hasn't accepted your an adult and feels entitled to press her nose into your business.

[longhairdontcare1006]

You're an adult who lives in her home for free, so yes, she doesn't really have to justify it, lol.

[EleanorRigby]

It might be that she resents you because you were your dad's favourite. She may not realize why she's doing it. Can you ask her about it? I know it hurts, and I feel so badly for you. I'm kind of a tough love person, and I believe that you have to just do what you can to survive each day and have a plan for the future. A year and a half, okay. Can you maybe move in with a few people, so your share isn't as much? Can you get any gov't aid?

Can you calmly discuss things with her?

I feel llike if you could show her that you can be independent, and do your own thing successfully, that she wouldn't bother with you as much. You work and go to school. Do you have chores around the house? Just try to stay calm and not overthink it. If you keep your space clean and don't ask for anything, maybe she'll start to come around. Maybe not, but if you don't leave her with anything to argue about then she's going to look like an ass just railing on you for nothing. So I don't think she would. Take away the ammunition and plan, plan, plan how you're going to move out. Do well in school. This is a short period of your life, and yes, it absolutely sucks, but things are going to get better. Not necessarily easier, but better. Your reward is living out on your own and supporting yourself. You're going to have that freedom. It's all a lot to ask, I know, but you'll be so much stronger for achieving your goals in the end.

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. I've been trying to put this whole thing out of my mind and meanwhile I've been following your advice and trying to be "good". Everything was okay until today, we got into a screaming match. Long story short, she and I made plans days ago to go somewhere. Then she told me when it was time to go that she didn't feel like going. I was upset because I'd planned my whole day around it and it ruined the rest of my day! I feel like that that's a very human reason to be upset am I right?? She told me I bully people so bad they don't want to tell me no. SHE MAKES STUFF UP. If she had told me ahead of time I would have said OKAY. My dad was a bully/manipulator. She always says I have those two qualities. I DON'T. I don't think I'm like my dad. He was a horrible person. Anyways this whole thing escalated so quickly. I feel like maybe she's right. Maybe I'm lazy, unmotivated and a bully. Maybe I'm just not seeing it and in my own mind I think it's normal? If that makes sense. Other than that, I cannot make heads or tails out of why I'm such a black sheep to her.

There is no such thing as having a calm mature discussion with this woman. If I tried it would end in a screaming match. My youngest sister broke it to her she was pregnant at 18 and some not so kind words were thrown around, mainly names. I'm on the fence but I'm beginning to feel like I don't want a part of this family in the future. I don't think I want my future kids involved in all this instability. Nothing I will ever do will EVER be up to her standards.

[EleanorRigby]

I can relate to you. I lived with my parents until I was 25 (although I moved out to go to college out of state and then to do an internship, but still lived with them for a little under two years after that), and they treated me like a child and still do to some extent. They don't want me to go places on my own, they have made me text them when I've driven the ten minutes from their house to mine, saying they are worried about me. But they don't make my younger brother do any of this, so it's because I'm a female. They also threw away/misplaced everything I got in the mail when I lived at their house, even when I begged them to either let me check the mail or to put the mail in a special place for me, they never did it. Even if an adult is living at home, they deserve to be treated like an adult unless they do something to make their parents distrust them. One of my friends lived at home until she was 28 and her mother wouldn't even let her dye her hair...like, WTF?

I totally feel you there. I'm 24, will be 25 this year. I finished university and am just finishing up a post grad program at college. My parents open my mail "by accident" pretty frequently. I had to request that my bank stop sending me anything in the mail and make everything electronic so that my parents would stop opening my visa bills. (For the record, I've had a VISA card since I was 18 and have paid it off in full, every time, since I got it. There is nothing for them to be concerned about, they're just super nosy.)

I'm 20 and I had to do this too!! Request my statements to be electronic because my mum would read them every single time. And she would check what I buy and see if I'm buying smokes etc (buying smokes in NZ is legal for 18+). So bloody frustrating.

It is frustrating! Then my mom will turn around and say "Well act like an adult and you'll be treated like one!!" I don't feel like that's fair. I feel that I'm still her child so yes she has some power per se but that means guide me and show me how to be an adult and if I screw up don't just suddenly revert back to treating me like a kid!

[EleanorRigby]

God I feel like I got lucky with my folks, they just leave me too it and respect my privacy. My parents have never searched my room without asking me if they could. And as far they are concerned my room is also MY responsibility to keep tidy and move around. Not theirs.

My only suggestion is to remind them yes, you are their child and live in their home, but your an adult as well and you deserve your privacy. It may be there house but barging in and messing with everything seems like an invasion of disrespect. How would they feel if you just went into their room and messed with their circle of order.

It's a pickle of a situation, your mum does care and love you, but it doesn't sound like she hasn't accepted your an adult and feels entitled to press her nose into your business.

From the time I was around 18 until this bedroom fiasco she never bothered me about my room. When I was 16 she did this kind of thing a lot. Once when I was at a friends she texted me letting me know she moved me out of my (own) room and into a room with my then 9 year old sister. That was fun. But now that I'm older it kinda came out of nowhere! I always thought what your parents said-it's my own damn responsibility! Most (sane) parents think that way I think. And it's not like my room looked like a tornado hit it. I'm sure you have friends whose rooms come to mind when I say that lol.

I tried the "how would you like it" card and I got the "I'm the parent it's my house" speech. Although I will add hee room is messy 24/7 but she's got 20 excuses for that. It really is a pickle. I really wish I had the resources to move out.